Ring a Ding Ding

Ok, yes, so I stole this title from a Sex & the City episode.  So sue me.  It’s the one where Carrie and Aidan break up and she has to try to cough up the money to buy her apartment, she realizes that she is broke but has $40,000 worth in shoes, and then Charlotte offers her engagement ring as a loan. 

This title is only tangentially related to the real topic of my post, which is that marriage just seems to be in the air these days.  Every time I turn around I discover yet another friend who is talking possible nuptials with her sweetie, whether in the distant future or the not-so-distant future.  Others are chomping at the bit for a ring.  I guess I am just at that age where, much like Noah’s Ark, everyone starts to pair off two-by-two and trot merrily off.

Tonight I had an interesting conversation about marriage with several of my co-workers over drinks.  At the table were a married guy whose wife is expecting their first baby; a girl who has been with her BF for 7 years but done long distance the last 3; a girl who has lived with her BF forever and is finally starting to talk marriage; and finally, a friend who has lived with her BF for less than a year, but whose little sister is getting married in September, so she is starting to feel the heat (and get the itch).

My friend and her BF who are longtime cohabitators are in their early 30′s, and are just now starting to discuss marriage because everyone they know is getting married and as she says, it’s in their face constantly.  But she has more than a mild aversion to the idea of marriage because her parents were divorced and it was very hard on her. 

And then there’s me.  Due to my recent relationship history, I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum — I am in no rush whatsoever to walk down the aisle, but I also have an optimistic viewpoint of relationships and marriage in general. 

Here’s my story in a nutshell – I was actually engaged until about 9 months ago, and was supposed to be getting married in September of this year.  We had set a date, picked a venue, and I even had a gorgeous dress.  We each had selected eight friends and family members to be our bridesmaids and groomsmen.  Everything was falling into place.

But I started to get cold feet.  Make that freezing.  Make that hypothermic.  I eventually realized that this was a heck of a lot more than pre-wedding jitters…I had an overwhelming sense that it just wasn’t right.  Not then, not in ten years, not in sixty years.  But this realization took me months and lots of tears and angst to come to, because I did love him.  I just had to follow my heart.

In the aftermath of my broken engagement, I realized that as alone as I felt during all the inner turmoil leading up to it, I was never really alone.  My family and friends came through for me in an incredible way.  And I found out that there were many, many women out there who had gone through the same thing.  I found message boards and websites…I even found a terrific book called There Goes the Bride.   Apparently the “Almost Bride” thing is a bit of a cultural phenomenon.  Indeed, I was the third woman at my law firm to call of her engagement!  (One of my clever co-workers deemed it a curse and said that he was planning to shoot a documentary about it.)

Even though the last year has been difficult, I don’t feel cursed at all.  In fact, I feel incredibly blessed — to have had the presence of mind to do what felt right, rather than walking down a path simply because I was afraid to turn back.

Now, while I suppose I could feel pessimistic about relationships, instead I feel that I know just that much more what I want and need from someone who is going to be my life partner.  Since I was going the traditional route and it didn’t work out, it feels almost liberating to have abolished all thoughts of artificial timelines or societal expectations from my thoughts. 

I am confident now that whenever my time comes to make a serious commitment, I will be sure, it will be right, and it will be fantastic.

I don’t feel like I could give my experiences or my thoughts on this subject true justice in one blog post, so I’m sure there will be more to come in future posts.  Tonight was a bit of stream of consciousness…thanks for bearing with me, dear readers!