Today, dear readers, I got an email from my ex-fiance for the first time in about 6 months. Last time we emailed it was because I was thinking about getting rid of Noodles after his vicious attacks. (Now, as Noodles sits on the couch next to me, purring sweetly, I think how sad it’d be if I had given up on him!) Anyway, since it had been so long without communication, the email came as a surprise.
It was a very sweet email…basically saying “Happy Holidays” and asking how things have been. At the end he wrote, “i know i have been a little distant and that is totally my fault, sorry. i just need some time to clear the head, and get my life in order.” I totally understand that sentiment, and it’s precisely why I was letting things breathe and not reaching out to him via email anymore. After I suggested that we meet for coffee and he said it was too soon, I realized – duh! – that it really was too soon. Then when the last guy I dated broke up with me, and I had such a hard time when he would email me because I would have false hope, I realized that I wasn’t doing my ex any favors by emailing him. If anything, I was probably just making it worse. I decided that I would just stop, and that when he felt ready he could contact me again.
And now he has. It’s strange because on the one hand I thought of a million things I could tell him. We dated for 3 years, so he knows all my friends and family, and so I have over a year’s worth of stories and engagements and gossip that I could share with him. But I know that sharing all those things with him, when he’s not really part of my world or my circle anymore (aside from a couple of my friends he has stayed friends with) would also be bittersweet. I certainly feel that way sometimes…our mutual friend let it slip a few weeks ago that my ex’s younger brother got engaged, and my stomach sank; partly because I loved his family and sometimes I miss being part of that, and partly because I can just imagine how it feels for my ex to be watching his brother on the verge of getting married.
So on the one hand, I really like that we’re back in contact. On the other hand, I don’t know if we’ll ever get past this superficial chit-chat and really be friends. I suppose only time will tell. As I was writing my reply email to him, the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani came on. “And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends/ After all that we’ve been through/ I know we’re cool…”
I love that song because it’s so full of hope and possibility: you can think that you’ll never get over someone, but eventually you’ll both meet someone new, and it’ll all be “cool”. (I also love the video.)
I do believe that people can be friends with their exes, in some instances. But with a broken engagement, it seems impossible. We went from having decided to spend the rest of our lives together, to not even being in each others’ lives. Can there be a happy medium? How could we ever look at each others’ significant other and not think, “That should have been me?”
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Gwen Stefani – “Cool”
It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right
And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool
We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain
Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we’re still the same
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool
Yeah, I know we’re cool
And I’ll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we’ve been
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool
C-cool, I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool
4 Comments
December 14, 2007 at 2:31 am
really heart melting…
RK
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December 14, 2007 at 4:45 pm
“We went from having decided to spend the rest of our lives together, to not even being in each others’ lives. Can there be a happy medium? How could we ever look at each others’ significant other and not think, “That should have been me?”
Even if there is a happy medium, what exactly would that be like? A relationship like that will hold a certain place in your heart for an indefinite amout of time. For both of you.
I think there’s a different word for it. It’s not a ‘friendship’ you can have with them. It’s more profound than friendship, it seems. But it lacks the intimacy and constant connection you have with your regular friends, simply because it’s not possible to have that. Sorry – I can’t exactly articulate what I want to say…I’ve never been in your shoes and may have no idea what I’m talking about!
But, good post. I enjoyed reading it.
January 5, 2008 at 10:37 pm
My fiance recently broke up with me, after a two year relationship (one year of which we were engaged and living together). I am devastated. I found out that he is dating someone new (a woman whom he met while he and I were engaged.)
I am not sure that I will ever be able to be friends with him. I know that I wanted us to have a long, happy future together, so I am crushed to see him with someone else.
The most that I can hope for at this point is to think of him fondly, wish him happiness, and send him loving thoughts. I think that is what the previous post was alluding to in a way. It cannot be a physical friendship, but more of a mental connection and intimacy.
The loss of love is heartwrenching. The loss of a best friend on top of that is earth-shattering. Right now I am grappling with all the feelings of loss, anger, and confusion that come with this type of life event. I hope at some point in the future to not think about him constantly, and when I do, that those thoughts are happy ones.
Thanks for the post. I too enjoyed reading it.
August 7, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I am in a similar situation. Almost a year out of a 10 year relationship. I was devastated. He had already left emotionally a long time before he ended it and stayed out of guilt for a while and after he left was with someone within a couple of months.
He wants to be friends but I just can’t see how it would work. Any time together would exclude conversation about his new relationship. What is the point if we can’t have an open honest relationship?
The hardest part is mutual friends. Do I go to their events, does he? Surely people could sense the tension so isn’t it just better if I don’t go? These are not people I want to lose from my life but the reality is that the dynamic has changed big time and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hide away, but I don’t think I could cope seeing him with his new girlfriend.
I obviously haven’t moved on yet. I don’t know how. Feels like I have lost a part of me.