Tying the Knot

Hello dear readers!  I know that after making a brief comeback, I have been radio silent again for a few months.  I was second chairing a jury trial which even though we lost (boooo!) was a great experience career wise, but was also a total killer for my social life.  But now it is done (pending maybe an appeal) and I can focus on other things like…drumroll please…my upcoming wedding!

In just 24 days (so says theknot.com), Mr. Law and I will be tying the knot!  (Does this mean that I need to change the title of this blog to Mrs. Law?  Hmmm…)  I have officially now fallen down the wedding planning rabbit hole and am spending countless hours on tasks such as writing my vows (still a work in progress, suggestions from vow-writing veterans welcomed!),  purchasing cute wedding-related things on Etsy (LOVE that site), shopping for a rehearsal dinner dress, tallying RSVPs, meeting with our vendors, etc.  I did have a brief moment in the last week of trial where I cursed myself for not having hired a wedding planner, but now we are back in good shape and I’m actually having a lot of fun with things. Weddings are such happy events — I have loved attending / being in my friends’ weddings and I can’t wait to be in my own.  🙂

Still, the most common question people have been asking me is “are you nervous?”  I think it’s sort of a funny question, and I can never tell whether they’re asking if I’m worried about getting married, or if I’m anxious about putting together a party for 140+  guests.   In any event, the answer is that I’m not at all nervous about getting married, and that the details of the event can be slightly overwhelming at times, but that I know it’ll all work out.  My goal in this process has been to be the anti-Bridezilla, and so my take is that I only have two goals: 1) to marry Mr. Law and 2) to have a great time with our nearest and dearest.  If we accomplish that it is a success!

To that end, even though in the final weeks it is tempting to start splurging and adding on all sorts of extras, Mr. Law and I decided early on that the only things our guests would really need are a nice meal, open bar, and good music.  Then we also wanted nice flowers and a great photographer.  We’ve got all that covered.  And most importantly of all I am marrying the love of my life and I CAN’T WAIT.

Following my Bliss

My parents have always been a bit into astrology (and other things I call “woo woo”) and, I admit that despite my Judgy McJudgerson attitude about it, I have always been intrigued by it too. Since I am at a crossroads and trying to make some big life decisions, when my mom got a “natal chart” reading that she thought was fantastic a few weeks ago, I decided to shed my lawyerly skepticism for the moment and get a reading myself. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not one to chart the course of my life 100% based on what anyone else tells me (be it career coach, astrologer, parent, therapist, etc), so this is no different, but I do feel that it’s good to get advice from all sides and perspectives when making big life decisions. I must say, I was impressed by what came out of my reading. Here are some of the highlights of what the astrologer told me:

-I am very sensitive and have a 6th sense about other people’s emotions and body language, which can be emotionally exhausting. I need time by myself to regenerate and go back out in the world.
-My skill set might be good for psychology or therapy (this was without me mentioning anything other than I was looking to maybe switch jobs or careers).
-I’m an autodidact and can teach myself anything I want to learn. Great love of reading, writing and ideas.
-Huge interest in causes, particularly relating to girls and young women. I need to have something I believe in. My work needs to be meaningful. The issue will always come back to whether I believe in what I’m doing.
-There is something to be said for utilizing what I have already learned. My path is like a pyramid where everything I’ve done continues to be useful.
-I have a theatrical component that he thinks would be good in a courtroom along with my ability to read body language.
-I mentioned jury consulting and he said I would be very good at that but that it involves the manipulative side of Scorpio and might not square with my belief system – he referred to it as “flirting with bad karma.”
-I have a 6th sense for figuring out what other peoples’ needs are. He thinks I could come up with something that doesn’t exist.
-He thinks I would be really good at teaching moot court, either in high school, college or law school. Strong language skills.
-Nontraditional way of healing or seeing what’s beneath the surface.
-I need to first figure out what I’m passionate about, what turns me on, and the rest is logistics. He sees me doing something with communications and/or young women.
-My calling in life is about finding a place for myself out in the world. The fact that I’m struggling about what to do means that I’m working on my calling.

My readers may or may not know enough about me to know that this was right on the money. And really, his advice was not much different than the exercises I’ve been doing with my career counselor — it seems once I figure out my passion, the rest will follow. Of course, it’s that process which is so difficult and time consuming and…well, such hard work.

My mom has recently discovered Joseph Campbell, and the expression “Follow your bliss.” When it comes right down to it, that’s really what I’m doing, isn’t it — trying to find my bliss?

So I decided I want to do a variation on the erstwhile gratitude journal. I want to take time each day to jot down those things in the day that made me smile, made me laugh, made me passionate…gave me bliss. To the extent they are little things (eating a good meal, sitting with Noodles on my feet, etc.) I will know I can boost my mood by doing these things. To the extent that themes develop with what blisses me out in work and play and they are things that I can pursue in my career, then I will be well on my way to finding out what, as the astrologer put it, “turns me on.” If nothing else, I think it will make me smile just to think about those things which make me smile day to day. And that’s always a good thing.

All Growns Up, Part II

A few weeks ago, my dear friend T. (who just had her first baby who I am dying to meet!) reminded me about a post that I wrote about 3 1/2 years ago, back when Little Miss Law was just starting out. The title of the post was Babies R Not Me, and I’m sure you can imagine the subject of the post. At that time, none of my close girlfriends had babies or were trying to have babies just yet and I was still riding the wedding wave. Now, many of my close friends and co-workers have at least one child. Pregnancy, birth and babies are a frequent subject of lunch or dinner conversation with my friends. And now that I’m getting married in July, the topic of having kids has turned from “I’ll worry about that someday” to a subject that’s on my mind an awful lot.

In certain ways, I’m much more of a baby person now that I was when I wrote that post. It’s been so fun to watch my friends have kids and I love playing Auntie. Mr. Law has a niece and nephew back East and I can’t wait to officially be their aunt. I can easily imagine having kids with Mr. Law (and I admit that we’ve even discussed names we like). But where before my concerns about kids were abstract, now they have become more concrete and more worrisome.

One thing I worry about a lot is losing myself in having kids. I know (or at least, I’m told by many people including my own mom) that being a parent is one of the most extraordinary things a person can experience. On the one hand, I do want to experience that and all that comes with it. But I do know that it can be an all-consuming thing and I have noticed that it (rightfully so) becomes the number one focus of the lives of my friends with kids. But for me, I still don’t have that deep biological urge of “OMG I need a baby RIGHT NOW” and I don’t know if I’m ready to make that the focus of my life to the exclusion or minimization of all else. Mr. Law and I aren’t even married yet, and after we get married it might be nice to spend some time as newlyweds before we decide to take that leap.

Also, as much as I am conflicted about my career and where it’s heading, it has been my biggest focus (for better or worse) since graduating law school and it’s hard to think about changing that. The issue of children is one of the things that is making me question my career — it’s all fine and well to work long days and weekends when Mr. Law and I are childless and we can come home and have a late dinner together, but I don’t know how this will work if we have a family. I know I will want a more flexible schedule and I won’t want to miss all the “firsts.” On the other hand, I have the sense that people who go part-time at my firm are somewhat relegated, at least in the higher-ups’ minds, to the “mommy track.” That bothers me to no end after having dedicated so much time to my education and work life. I also worry that I will be distracted by home life at work, and by work life at home. It’s such a balancing act and I don’t know how to make it work. Mr. Law responds, “Everyone else makes it work, and so will we.” But I know a lot of unhappy lawyers and a lot of women who have left work to stay home full time (which financially is not an option for us), so I’m not so sure.

Sometimes I feel like it is a disadvantage to have waited till I am older and (ha) wiser to get married and have kids because while there is something to be said for analyzing and assessing my options, there is also something to be said for jumping in headfirst and figuring it out as you go along (instead of just dipping my toe in and deciding it’s too cold). Sometimes I think that all my worrying will just paralyze me and I need to just set it aside and think, que sera sera.

Easier said than done…

All Growns Up

I’ve had a really interesting experience over the past couple of weeks looking back over my old blog posts.  A lot of things have changed since I stopped blogging but one thing has stayed remarkably the same — I am still grappling with certain feelings about my job and my career that I’ve had since I started at the firm. As I get more senior at the firm the considerations change slightly but the overarching issues, the push-pull, the ups and downs are still there. On the one hand I like the intellectual challenge, love the people, and appreciate the stability and opportunity the firm has provided me. On good days I feel like my job allows my strengths to shine: my writing ability, or my people skills, or problem-solving. On the other hand, I often have a nagging feeling that the job isn’t quite me, not in the truest and most authentic sense. (Strangely I sometimes think I had a better sense of what I loved when I was 18 than I do at 31.) I watch the young partners at my firm who sacrifice time with their families and I don’t envy any of them. I feel like I should want to be a partner but I don’t think I do. And then I feel guilty because I know a lot of people would want my job and that I’m lucky to have it. But is that a reason to stay?

Then, of course, there are the golden handcuffs. I’ve always tried to live frugally and save money, and I never used to feel the effects of the handcuffs, but then we bought our house. I don’t regret it at all — in fact, I love love LOVE our house. There are few things I like more than cooking in our kitchen (or grilling in the backyard), eating in our dining room at our new dining table, lounging in our living room. I love our home life and I don’t want to change any part of it. But it does require that I maintain a certain income which means there’s no use dreaming about quitting without another job lined up (not that I would). It seems Little Miss Law isn’t so little anymore…suddenly I feel all growns up!

Since I realized I’ve been having these feelings for a long time, I decided to take advantage of a free career counseling program offered in connection with my undergrad. Tomorrow is my intake phone meeting and filling out the forms already gave me food for thought – for example, “what does work mean to you?” I’m hoping that if nothing else, the process might help shake me up a little bit and help me think outside the box. I love that I’m friends with so many lawyers who I can commiserate with, but not many of us have moved beyond firm life, so it might be nice to talk to someone outside this universe. This will hopefully be an interesting process and I’ll keep you posted, dear readers!

The Return of Little Miss Law

Hello, old friends!

As those of you who used to read this blog may recall, I stopped posting 3+ years ago.  I started a new blog, then another, until I gave up having a blog altogether.  I decided at that time that it had been wonderful and entertaining and therapeutic, but that I was done with sharing personal details of my life and that it was just too time consuming anyway.  A lot of wonderful things have happened in the past 3 years, which I will share in a moment.  But one thing hasn’t changed in that time – I still love to write, and I still don’t have an outlet that quite fulfills my need to write the way this blog did.  So after some consideration, I’m back!

So here’s the life of Little Miss Law over the past 3 years, in a nutshell (and yes,  just because I can never resist: “Help!  How do I get out of this nutshell?”)

1.  After many months of being in a funk and not feeling like myself, in 2008 I started seeing a therapist, who I saw for over a year.  I had always been reluctant about therapy, but she was terrific and it really helped bring me back to feeling…well, like me.

2. After many, many first and second dates with various eHarmony, Match, etc prospects that went nowhere, I met an amazing guy, who we’ll call Mr. Law, through mutual friends in September 2008.  (He’s a litigator like me, at a small firm.)  Words don’t suffice to describe this, but he is everything I’ve always been looking for.  We hit it off and our relationship took off quickly.  In May 2010 we got engaged and we’re getting married in July!  (Yes, this blog is likely to contain many wedding-related posts.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

3. After looking at 60-70 houses starting in January 2010, in September Mr. Law and I bought our 1st house, a 98-year-old Craftsman in the Hancock Park neighborhood of Los Angeles.  We both fell in love the first time we saw it and, even though homeownership can be daunting and scary, not a day goes by that we don’t comment how lucky we are to have found a place that is so perfect for us.

And now for the things that haven’t changed:

4.  The infamous Noodles is still around (in fact, he is sitting partially on my arm as I write this!)  He has mellowed out substantially since the days of the vicious attacks, and he and Mr. Law have even grown to love each other.

5.  I’m still at the same firm practicing litigation, and now more than ever (as a 6th year associate) I feel like I’m at a crossroads where I need to decide where to go from here.  (More on this to come too.)

6.  My same friends who I mentioned previously on the blog are all still very much in the picture and, in most cases, will be in my wedding.  But those friends are also almost all married and some have kids or kids on the way.  Three years has definitely caused a huge shift in that regard!

This is a short post, but I promise you, dear readers (if I have any now), to make my blogging regular again and not leave you hanging for another 3 years!

Till next time,

LML

Little Miss Law Says Goodbye

Dear readers, after some contemplation, I have decided that today, the penultimate day of 2007, will mark the end of this blog. I’ve realized that the blog just isn’t serving the purpose in my life that I had once intended. Thanks for your support, dear readers – it’s been a fun ride. Here’s to a great 2008!

Back to the drawing board

This is how my morning started out. I had no sooner plopped myself in my desk chair at 8:45 am when the phone rang. It was a partner in my office with whom I have a good working relationship. He can be quite grumpy, but I seem to have endeared myself to him. He sort of reminds me of my grandpa.

He called me down to his office to talk about the brief I’ve been slaving over for him. Something in the tone of his voice made me realize that he was less than thrilled. And indeed, as soon as I stepped into his office he began, “You know I don’t mince words.” Oh, crap. Then he blurted it out: “I don’t like it. It needs a lot of work. I think you just need to go back to the drawing board. You need to rewrite it.” Words that I most dread hearing.

He then tried to make me feel better by 1) telling me a “war story” about a partner who used to criticize everything he did when he was a junior associate to the point that he dreaded coming to work in the morning and 2) telling me that I was “doing great.”

The real good news was, though, that as we started to go through the brief it became apparent that I wouldn’t need to go back to the drawing board — most of what he wanted was already there, it just needed to be retooled and re-framed. I breathed a big internal sigh of relief. It also occurred to me that I think I have a lot thicker skin than I used to. When I was younger I would cry at the drop of a hat and it was very hard for me to take criticism. But today, the criticism didn’t bother me because I knew it was coming from a good place, and that it will help me be a better lawyer. (If he were a screamer, that would be another story entirely).

At any rate, I am looking forward to 5 straight days of NO WORK. I’m flying up to Oregon to be with my family for the holidays and this time, unlike over Thanksgiving, I am bringing NO WORK with me!! I will be busy next week, but until then, it can wait. I need the R&R.

Another interesting thing this week. I wrote a few months ago about seeing A. for the first time since we broke up, and since then we have hung out several times and are buddies again. (In fact, he called me tonight and wants my advice, so we are having lunch next week.) That first time I saw him again, I expected it to be so hard, but instead I just had the feeling of “Huh – I used to really be into this guy.”

Well, I had that same experience this week with the guy I dated a few months back. He stopped by to drop off some of my things, and I was sort of dreading it. We have been emailing casually, but he had still been in my head more than I wanted to admit. I think when I’m not dating somebody, the tendency is to want to reminisce about the most recent person I dated. Anyway, he came by, and instead of feeling sad or wistful or flustered, I just got that same feeling of “Huh.” It was as if a switch went off and I was suddenly 100% over it — I still feel friendly towards him but that’s all.

And that is this week’s reminder that things really do fall into place just as they should, dear readers.

Noodles and I are off to bed … one more day of work and then leaving on a jet plane! I may blog while I’m in Oregon if the mood strikes…

The Eleventh Wheel

Another weekend is coming to an end, dear readers, and I thought I’d wrap it all up with a blog. Overall it was a pretty mellow weekend. I had to work part of the day yesterday and for a couple of hours today, but other than that I enjoyed the 4th annual cookie party with my former roommates, catching up on Netflix (Waitress and Superbad), reading (I am halfway through Saving Fish from Drowning) and, of course, my firm’s holiday party.

The holiday party was very nice–beautiful location, nice cocktail hour and appetizers, a meal, dancing. I love my co-workers, and the speeches were good (in particular one partner who had the crowd roaring with laughter – I literally had tears streaming down my face, I was laughing so hard). But still, I admit I didn’t exactly have fun. And I hate to say this, because I don’t want to be “that” whiny single person, but, well…frankly, it sort of sucks being a single in a sea of couples. For part of the night I was able to ignore the fact and even enjoy being a solo agent. During cocktail hour I wandered around and chatted with people, and felt sort of relieved to just be able to do my own thing. One funny thing about the night was that I was driving, so I only had 1/2 a glass of wine over the course of the whole night. My co-workers, on the other hand…not so much. Even my boss, when I was chatting with him toward the end of the night, was noticeably slurring his speech. People were getting very confessional with me, and I was just sort of nodding and humoring them.

Anyway, when my singleness became really noticeable was when we moved into the ballroom for the sit-down portion of the evening. There was no assigned seating, so people started grabbing up spots. Each table had 10 seats at it. Some of the girls I really like in my department encouraged me to come sit with them…but there were 10 seats, 5 couples already sitting there. One of my co-workers’ boyfriends went and stole a chair from another table so I could join them. This, of course, meant that I ended up stealing someone else’s napkin and fork, too. And at one point as I was eating my bloody prime rib and I looked around at everyone whispering conversation with ther spouse or boyfriend, I thought, Dear God, I’m the ELEVENTH WHEEL! (Actually, in the party as a whole I was probably the hundred-and-eleventh wheel, but who’s counting?)

After dinner I was literally dragged up on the dance floor by the arm, by my friend’s fiance. I danced while it was a group, but after a while, nobody was dancing in groups, just in couples, and I found myself weaving around on the dance floor among all the oblivious couples. If it had been a movie, everything would have been slow motion and there certainly would have been some sad song playing in the background. Soon afterward, I decided to leave, over the protests of my (tipsy) co-workers. One of my friends actually came running after me and was like, “Stay! You can drink, we can take a cab back later!” I begged off — it was sweet of her, but I was tired and done with the evening. I think maybe she was worried about me, and it would have taken too much effort to explain, “This isn’t fun, but it’s not the end of the world — I’d just rather be home in my PJs right now.”

I was talking to my college friend K. on the phone today — she is recently single after a long time on-again-off-again relationship with a guy who, in my opinion, sounded like no good. K. is one of the most spirited and outgoing, fun-loving people I know, so I think she’s a good single role model. I was talking to her about the fact that I love my girlfriends, but that most of them are married or pseudo-married and therefore not often available for or interested in girls’ nights or girls’ vacations. On Saturday night, after working a good chunk of the day, I felt like I wanted to go out. But I knew that my friends would be otherwise occupied with their men, so I opted for Netflix. To give a larger-scale example, I love to travel and would love to plan some little trips out of town, or bigger trips. But I can’t get anyone to go with me, either because they are saving time/money to travel with their BFs/spouses, or are saving money in general. Sometimes I feel like, what’s the use in working hard and making money if I don’t get to do the things I want to do? I was thinking about just saying screw it and taking a solo weekend trip in January, but I know myself and I’d probably just end up feeling sad and annoyed that I spent money to be in a different city alone – I can do that here!

Anyway, K. told me that when she was single a while ago, she started affirmatively trying to meet other single girls when she went out. I think maybe cultivating some new friendships would be a good thing for me…but then again, if I’m too busy at work to go out and meet new men, how am I going to meet new women? I guess it would be an interesting experiment to see which would be easier – finding a new guy, or finding a new girlfriend? Hmmm.

K. also told me something last time we talked that I really identify with. She said that she would be more fine with being single if she knew that she would eventually meet the right person. She wouldn’t need to know how or when – but just that she would meet him at some point. That’s sort of how I feel now. It’s not that being on my own is that bad day to day. But what bothers me is thinking that this could be how it is…indefinitely. I can bear being a little lonely now. I don’t know if I can bear this being the norm. I guess it’s all about attitude. Maybe I just need to buck up.

At any rate, dear readers, I hadn’t intended to write such a whiny post tonight! More sunny things next time, I swear…

We have changed but we’re still the same

Today, dear readers, I got an email from my ex-fiance for the first time in about 6 months. Last time we emailed it was because I was thinking about getting rid of Noodles after his vicious attacks. (Now, as Noodles sits on the couch next to me, purring sweetly, I think how sad it’d be if I had given up on him!) Anyway, since it had been so long without communication, the email came as a surprise.

It was a very sweet email…basically saying “Happy Holidays” and asking how things have been. At the end he wrote, “i know i have been a little distant and that is totally my fault, sorry. i just need some time to clear the head, and get my life in order.” I totally understand that sentiment, and it’s precisely why I was letting things breathe and not reaching out to him via email anymore. After I suggested that we meet for coffee and he said it was too soon, I realized – duh! – that it really was too soon. Then when the last guy I dated broke up with me, and I had such a hard time when he would email me because I would have false hope, I realized that I wasn’t doing my ex any favors by emailing him. If anything, I was probably just making it worse. I decided that I would just stop, and that when he felt ready he could contact me again.

And now he has. It’s strange because on the one hand I thought of a million things I could tell him. We dated for 3 years, so he knows all my friends and family, and so I have over a year’s worth of stories and engagements and gossip that I could share with him. But I know that sharing all those things with him, when he’s not really part of my world or my circle anymore (aside from a couple of my friends he has stayed friends with) would also be bittersweet. I certainly feel that way sometimes…our mutual friend let it slip a few weeks ago that my ex’s younger brother got engaged, and my stomach sank; partly because I loved his family and sometimes I miss being part of that, and partly because I can just imagine how it feels for my ex to be watching his brother on the verge of getting married.

So on the one hand, I really like that we’re back in contact. On the other hand, I don’t know if we’ll ever get past this superficial chit-chat and really be friends. I suppose only time will tell. As I was writing my reply email to him, the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani came on. “And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends/ After all that we’ve been through/ I know we’re cool…”

I love that song because it’s so full of hope and possibility: you can think that you’ll never get over someone, but eventually you’ll both meet someone new, and it’ll all be “cool”. (I also love the video.)

I do believe that people can be friends with their exes, in some instances. But with a broken engagement, it seems impossible. We went from having decided to spend the rest of our lives together, to not even being in each others’ lives. Can there be a happy medium? How could we ever look at each others’ significant other and not think, “That should have been me?”

**************************
Gwen Stefani – “Cool”

It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we’re still the same
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

Yeah, I know we’re cool

And I’ll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we’ve been
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

C-cool, I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

My cat saved my life.

Ok, so that may be a bit dramatic. Noodles didn’t literally save my life. He’s not Lassie or anything. If I fell down a well (or, you know, slipped in the shower, the apartment-life version of falling down the well) I don’t have much confidence that he would run and find someone to save me. (First of all, how would he get out of the apartment? But I digress.)

So what happened is this. I had an 8:30 am court appearance in Riverside…65 miles from my apartment which in L.A. traffic could take forever. I set my alarm on my cell phone to 4:45 am, to allow myself to shower, get ready (in my slow moving way) and get gas before heading out at 6 am. I forced myself to go to sleep at 10 pm.

Several hours later I was dead asleep when I was awakened by the sound of meowing. Loud meowing. Noodles was meowing his pretty little head off. I rolled over sleepily to check the time on my phone and discovered that my phone was off! I leapt out of bed, heart racing, and ran to the kitchen to check the time. I was sure that I’d see it was already 6 am and I’d be screwed.

What time was it? That’s right — 4:45 a.m. on the nose. Noodles was officially the hero of the morning. I have never been so grateful to be woken by Noodles at the crack of dawn.

That was actually the most eventful part of my day…court went well, the day went by peacefully, and now I am sitting with my hero at my side and watching the season finale of The Hills. (Can I just mention how envious I am of Lauren and Whitney going to Paris??)

On a final note before I turn to my Netflix, thank you, dear readers, for weighing in on my poll from yesterday. I’ve always thought pickiness can be good…I’m glad I’m not alone in that sentiment!