Following my Bliss

My parents have always been a bit into astrology (and other things I call “woo woo”) and, I admit that despite my Judgy McJudgerson attitude about it, I have always been intrigued by it too. Since I am at a crossroads and trying to make some big life decisions, when my mom got a “natal chart” reading that she thought was fantastic a few weeks ago, I decided to shed my lawyerly skepticism for the moment and get a reading myself. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not one to chart the course of my life 100% based on what anyone else tells me (be it career coach, astrologer, parent, therapist, etc), so this is no different, but I do feel that it’s good to get advice from all sides and perspectives when making big life decisions. I must say, I was impressed by what came out of my reading. Here are some of the highlights of what the astrologer told me:

-I am very sensitive and have a 6th sense about other people’s emotions and body language, which can be emotionally exhausting. I need time by myself to regenerate and go back out in the world.
-My skill set might be good for psychology or therapy (this was without me mentioning anything other than I was looking to maybe switch jobs or careers).
-I’m an autodidact and can teach myself anything I want to learn. Great love of reading, writing and ideas.
-Huge interest in causes, particularly relating to girls and young women. I need to have something I believe in. My work needs to be meaningful. The issue will always come back to whether I believe in what I’m doing.
-There is something to be said for utilizing what I have already learned. My path is like a pyramid where everything I’ve done continues to be useful.
-I have a theatrical component that he thinks would be good in a courtroom along with my ability to read body language.
-I mentioned jury consulting and he said I would be very good at that but that it involves the manipulative side of Scorpio and might not square with my belief system – he referred to it as “flirting with bad karma.”
-I have a 6th sense for figuring out what other peoples’ needs are. He thinks I could come up with something that doesn’t exist.
-He thinks I would be really good at teaching moot court, either in high school, college or law school. Strong language skills.
-Nontraditional way of healing or seeing what’s beneath the surface.
-I need to first figure out what I’m passionate about, what turns me on, and the rest is logistics. He sees me doing something with communications and/or young women.
-My calling in life is about finding a place for myself out in the world. The fact that I’m struggling about what to do means that I’m working on my calling.

My readers may or may not know enough about me to know that this was right on the money. And really, his advice was not much different than the exercises I’ve been doing with my career counselor — it seems once I figure out my passion, the rest will follow. Of course, it’s that process which is so difficult and time consuming and…well, such hard work.

My mom has recently discovered Joseph Campbell, and the expression “Follow your bliss.” When it comes right down to it, that’s really what I’m doing, isn’t it — trying to find my bliss?

So I decided I want to do a variation on the erstwhile gratitude journal. I want to take time each day to jot down those things in the day that made me smile, made me laugh, made me passionate…gave me bliss. To the extent they are little things (eating a good meal, sitting with Noodles on my feet, etc.) I will know I can boost my mood by doing these things. To the extent that themes develop with what blisses me out in work and play and they are things that I can pursue in my career, then I will be well on my way to finding out what, as the astrologer put it, “turns me on.” If nothing else, I think it will make me smile just to think about those things which make me smile day to day. And that’s always a good thing.

All Growns Up, Part II

A few weeks ago, my dear friend T. (who just had her first baby who I am dying to meet!) reminded me about a post that I wrote about 3 1/2 years ago, back when Little Miss Law was just starting out. The title of the post was Babies R Not Me, and I’m sure you can imagine the subject of the post. At that time, none of my close girlfriends had babies or were trying to have babies just yet and I was still riding the wedding wave. Now, many of my close friends and co-workers have at least one child. Pregnancy, birth and babies are a frequent subject of lunch or dinner conversation with my friends. And now that I’m getting married in July, the topic of having kids has turned from “I’ll worry about that someday” to a subject that’s on my mind an awful lot.

In certain ways, I’m much more of a baby person now that I was when I wrote that post. It’s been so fun to watch my friends have kids and I love playing Auntie. Mr. Law has a niece and nephew back East and I can’t wait to officially be their aunt. I can easily imagine having kids with Mr. Law (and I admit that we’ve even discussed names we like). But where before my concerns about kids were abstract, now they have become more concrete and more worrisome.

One thing I worry about a lot is losing myself in having kids. I know (or at least, I’m told by many people including my own mom) that being a parent is one of the most extraordinary things a person can experience. On the one hand, I do want to experience that and all that comes with it. But I do know that it can be an all-consuming thing and I have noticed that it (rightfully so) becomes the number one focus of the lives of my friends with kids. But for me, I still don’t have that deep biological urge of “OMG I need a baby RIGHT NOW” and I don’t know if I’m ready to make that the focus of my life to the exclusion or minimization of all else. Mr. Law and I aren’t even married yet, and after we get married it might be nice to spend some time as newlyweds before we decide to take that leap.

Also, as much as I am conflicted about my career and where it’s heading, it has been my biggest focus (for better or worse) since graduating law school and it’s hard to think about changing that. The issue of children is one of the things that is making me question my career — it’s all fine and well to work long days and weekends when Mr. Law and I are childless and we can come home and have a late dinner together, but I don’t know how this will work if we have a family. I know I will want a more flexible schedule and I won’t want to miss all the “firsts.” On the other hand, I have the sense that people who go part-time at my firm are somewhat relegated, at least in the higher-ups’ minds, to the “mommy track.” That bothers me to no end after having dedicated so much time to my education and work life. I also worry that I will be distracted by home life at work, and by work life at home. It’s such a balancing act and I don’t know how to make it work. Mr. Law responds, “Everyone else makes it work, and so will we.” But I know a lot of unhappy lawyers and a lot of women who have left work to stay home full time (which financially is not an option for us), so I’m not so sure.

Sometimes I feel like it is a disadvantage to have waited till I am older and (ha) wiser to get married and have kids because while there is something to be said for analyzing and assessing my options, there is also something to be said for jumping in headfirst and figuring it out as you go along (instead of just dipping my toe in and deciding it’s too cold). Sometimes I think that all my worrying will just paralyze me and I need to just set it aside and think, que sera sera.

Easier said than done…