Back to the drawing board

This is how my morning started out. I had no sooner plopped myself in my desk chair at 8:45 am when the phone rang. It was a partner in my office with whom I have a good working relationship. He can be quite grumpy, but I seem to have endeared myself to him. He sort of reminds me of my grandpa.

He called me down to his office to talk about the brief I’ve been slaving over for him. Something in the tone of his voice made me realize that he was less than thrilled. And indeed, as soon as I stepped into his office he began, “You know I don’t mince words.” Oh, crap. Then he blurted it out: “I don’t like it. It needs a lot of work. I think you just need to go back to the drawing board. You need to rewrite it.” Words that I most dread hearing.

He then tried to make me feel better by 1) telling me a “war story” about a partner who used to criticize everything he did when he was a junior associate to the point that he dreaded coming to work in the morning and 2) telling me that I was “doing great.”

The real good news was, though, that as we started to go through the brief it became apparent that I wouldn’t need to go back to the drawing board — most of what he wanted was already there, it just needed to be retooled and re-framed. I breathed a big internal sigh of relief. It also occurred to me that I think I have a lot thicker skin than I used to. When I was younger I would cry at the drop of a hat and it was very hard for me to take criticism. But today, the criticism didn’t bother me because I knew it was coming from a good place, and that it will help me be a better lawyer. (If he were a screamer, that would be another story entirely).

At any rate, I am looking forward to 5 straight days of NO WORK. I’m flying up to Oregon to be with my family for the holidays and this time, unlike over Thanksgiving, I am bringing NO WORK with me!! I will be busy next week, but until then, it can wait. I need the R&R.

Another interesting thing this week. I wrote a few months ago about seeing A. for the first time since we broke up, and since then we have hung out several times and are buddies again. (In fact, he called me tonight and wants my advice, so we are having lunch next week.) That first time I saw him again, I expected it to be so hard, but instead I just had the feeling of “Huh – I used to really be into this guy.”

Well, I had that same experience this week with the guy I dated a few months back. He stopped by to drop off some of my things, and I was sort of dreading it. We have been emailing casually, but he had still been in my head more than I wanted to admit. I think when I’m not dating somebody, the tendency is to want to reminisce about the most recent person I dated. Anyway, he came by, and instead of feeling sad or wistful or flustered, I just got that same feeling of “Huh.” It was as if a switch went off and I was suddenly 100% over it — I still feel friendly towards him but that’s all.

And that is this week’s reminder that things really do fall into place just as they should, dear readers.

Noodles and I are off to bed … one more day of work and then leaving on a jet plane! I may blog while I’m in Oregon if the mood strikes…

Dealbreakers

So I have been writing a lot about my dating life lately…such as it is. I’ve been pondering recently what things are reasonable criteria by which to eliminate potential suitors, and which are things that I could afford to relax about. So far these are the “dealbreakers” I look for when reviewing an online profile (in no particular order):

1. Bad grammar (the worst is mixing up your and you’re — the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up just thinking of it!)
2. Shorter than my height (5’9″) — hey, I like to wear heels

*** Note: In another post I commented that “most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc.” One of my loyal readers sent me this email: “you mean, they are shorter than I. I would have let it pass, but it came right after you said that men with bad grammar suck.” Perhaps I should get off my grammar high horse then! Anyway…

3. Politically conservative and/or very religious (since I am pretty much a bleeding heart liberal agnostic).
4. Allergic to cats – Noodles has been loyal to me for 2 years, which is more than I can say for any guy I’ve dated except my ex-fiance
5. Overuse of “lol”. This just seems so unnecessary out of the online-chat context, esp. in a dating profile (e.g. “I’m looking for a tall supermodel lol”). Wtf?
6. Hobbies are all things like skydiving. mountain biking etc. Nothing wrong with those things, but I’m way too weak sauce.
7. Emphasizes in the profile how into “fitness” he is. Again, that is a fabulous thing to be into, and more power to you. But I love to eat and I hate to work out. I don’t want someone to judge me for it!
8. Is unattractive. Are looks everything? Of course not. But if I’m surfing through pictures, I don’t care how fantastic your personality is, I won’t be excited to meet you unless you’re cute.

And the list goes on. So I can see how someone might read that and say I am too picky. My mom sent me an email last week about a blog she reads called Charming but Single. Charming had written a tongue-in-cheek post about how she wanted her next BF to have season football tickets. To that, she got the following response:

“I think your applicant pool is a lot of the problem here. The guys you meet seem to get what they want and move on. Then they like to drop back in on you (and you let them) and give you a complex thinking it was all just some misunderstanding because you didn’t show them you wanted a relationship. I’m not sure if they’re feeding you a line or if they assumed you were still in the fun stage because you met them in a bar. That’s not judgement it just seems men don’t think women they meet in bars are there to find a husband especially in our neck of the woods. I also think you might need to stop putting so much emphasis on appearances. It would never occur to me ever to list specific physical characteristics in my criteria for finding a life partner. When I was ready to settle down the biggest criteria for me was that he was at that stage as well and that he was smart. So with that in mind it might be time to start considering some of those cousins of your friends who have “great personalities.” They might not be Adonis but they are often gainfully employed, good fatherhood material and looking to settle down.”

My mom asked me what I thought about this. My first thought was, “Well, if that girl wants to have an unattractive husband, that’s her prerogative.”

Seriously, though, what is the difference between what she describes and, well, settling? In my opinion, if there’s anything a girl should be picky about, it’s the person she chooses to spend the rest of her life with. I mean, we’re not talking about a pair of shoes here.

Then again, is there a whole pool of guys I am needlessly eliminating from consideration? Or am I just saving myself heartache down the road?

Be honest, dear readers — am I being too picky?

Seriously?? Or, the Wonders of Online Dating

As you know, dear readers, I have been (re) trying the online dating thing, with no success. I have come thisclose to just throwing up my hands and throwing in the towel.

And today, I remembered why. Two different guys emailed me, and BOTH of them emailed me the exact same thing they had emailed me a few weeks ago. One just said “You are a beautiful girl with a great profile.” Ok, that’s annoying, but I suppose cutting and pasting a one sentence email is lazy but not THAT sinister. Any girl who is going to respond to that email knows what she’s getting into.

But the other one was the real kicker. The email starts off, “Hey this is insane you actually seem like a real match, just read it, that’s why I wrote it a little long, I know its match.com but read the whole thing.” Ok, starting off with a plea like that is weird, but I keep reading out of morbid curiosity. The next FIVE (not kidding) paragraphs are all about him…as though the lengthy online profile isn’t enough. Then the email closes with, “I really really hope I can hear from you, Hey you seem like an amazing match and I think we could have some great conversations regardless. I haven’t dated yet but hey, gotta start somewhere.”

When I first received this email a month ago, I quickly deleted it because of its puppy-dog-like overeagerness. But receiving it for the SECOND time (I changed my profile picture so I guess guys think I’m an all new person who they haven’t used their charms on yet), I realized that there is one thing worse than being sincerely overeager…being insincerely overeager. Wow, I’m really glad that he thinks I’m an amazing match, just as he thought the other picture of me was an amazing match. I feel sooooo special…just like everyone else.

Moral of the story: when using these dating websites, if you are going to write someone an email, please personalize it. Even if all you say is, “Hi, I like X thing about your profile, that’s cool that you’re a lawyer,” being bland is better than being creepy.

Next!

PS. I actually wrote guy # 2 back and let him know about his faux pas. We’ll see if I get a nasty note back or if he is embarrassed (as he should be).

Sweetheart, bitterheart, now I can tell you apart

Does anyone not love that song by Feist? I just can’t get it out of my head!

The thing is, contrary to that line in the song, I don’t seem to be able to tell the good guys from the flakes or players. I have now been on dates with two different guys from this one dating website, and the same thing happened both times…seemingly nice date, then radio silence. Somehow the soundtrack to my dating life has become the sound of tumbleweeds rolling past. How did this happen?

What’s distressing about this situation isn’t so much the blow-offs themselves. That happens. In fact, I’ve done it myself! (Karma much?) What’s distressing is that these weren’t just random guys I picked. There are tons of guys on this dating site. I get emails fairly frequently. And most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc. Then there are the people who I email with a bit but lose interest in. So the ones who I actually communicate with long enough to meet in person have proven themselves to meet all my basic criteria and be witty and engaging. With both of these guys, we had great conversations before the date (both on the phone and in email), and pleasant dates.

Now, I know I’m being hypocritical and that I wasn’t exactly a smitten kitten recently either (at least beyond the email phase). I’ve been experiencing doubts about whether I even want to be dating or in a relationship. But still, I would think that after 2 dates, I’d get something more than ……

At least an email saying, “I just didn’t feel the chemistry was there.” Fine. Done. But for me to email someone and just get silence is infuriating because it says, “You don’t even matter enough to make me want to be polite.”

And even though I know it’s not true, there is that needling thought of, What if it’s me?

Anyway, dear readers, onward and upward….and maybe soon, offline. I don’t know how much more online dating I can stand!

***********
Feist – “1234”

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart

I don’t wanna dream about the things that I used to need…

Hello, dear readers, and I hope you had a fantastic weekend. Mine felt sort of abbreviated because I got roped into spending all day Saturday in the office, but I made up for it today by taking a big nap, doing laundry, and doing some major grocery shopping. (I got to cook a big meal tonight for the first time in forever, and my friend J. came over — always more fun cooking for other people.) Best of all, I also got into the spirit of the season and bought some fun and festive Christmas decorations, including star string lights, a poinsettia, and a small “ornament tree.” I was thinking about getting a big artificial tree (I am sort of allergic to real trees and I think Noodles would wreak havoc anyway), but I haven’t decided. I don’t have too much extra storage space, so I’m not sure where the artificial tree would live the other 11 months of the year. Now, I just need to get started on my Christmas shopping…eek!

So last night I had date # 2 with the guy I mentioned a few posts ago who writes the witty emails. We went out to a yummy dinner, had good conversations and even shared creme brulee, my favorite. To finish the night off, we went to a nearby comedy club–my face hurt from laughing at the end of the night.

I came inside from the date feeling good. But this feeling was soon replaced by something else. Dating, going out, having fun is one thing. Actually getting into a relationship is another thing. Now, we obviously aren’t there or even close at this point. But if things continue like this, it seems we could be. And that, dear readers, scares me to death. My recent relationships and dating experiences have simply made me incapable of getting excited the way I used to. Before, I would let myself get so bright eyed and bushy tailed about everything. Now, I can’t help but think, Any new guy I like is just likely to be the next guy to break my heart. Is it worth it to keep trying over and over again?

Being single, truly single, and not going out on dates, things feel relatively easy. I have my rhythm, I do my own thing, I focus on work and plans and friends and family. I look around at people in couples, and I feel sort of detached and neutral — I’m happy they’re happy, but I’m not anxious to be there.

But I find that when I start putting myself out there, when I start inching towards the possibility of becoming involved with someone, it suddenly shines a big bright light on my singleness and it just makes me feel more lonely. I start thinking how much I really do want to meet someone, and how much I don’t want to want that. Because it’s something over which I have no control, and something I can’t force. Because who knows if and when I’ll ever meet someone I really want to get serious with. Because who knows if I meet that person if they will want to be with me or not.

Far easier just to step back and curl up in my little ball. But what kind of way is that to be?

Isn’t it Ironic

Two blog posts in one night? I guess tonight I am really enjoying the sound of my own “voice.”

So you, dear readers, know all about the erstwhile mancation. And you know that it was pretty much the worst mancation ever. While waxing poetic about taking time off from dating and time for myself and blah blah blah, what was I really doing? You got it – thinking about guys and wishing I were dating. I knew that I couldn’t jump into another relationship so soon after three back-to-back-to-back relationships (as the bad texter corrected me when I just said “back to back”) but this big strong part of me really wanted to just get into a relationship as soon as possible to keep from doing the scary work of looking at myself and taking care of myself. I guess you could say I went through relationship withdrawal. Like any addiction, it was mighty hard to give up. My single self was pretty deeply buried under my relationship self.

And, as you know, I ended the mancation a couple of weeks ago and have gone on a couple of dates. The most recent guy is the fabulous emailer who I met for drinks a week and a half ago. We had a fun time, laughed a lot, and are making plans to go out again.

But…….

I just don’t feel that excited about it. And you know what? I sincerely think it has nothing to do with him. He was funny and cute in email, funny and cute in person. There’s no real reason not to be optimistic.

But the bottom line is, I think maybe I just don’t want to date right now! Yes, you heard me — after struggling through a few months of forced and half-assed mancation, I am finally in a place where I feel so content on my own that I am hestitant to rock the boat. My life has (work aside) become incredibly tranquil. I don’t have the drama and stress that plagued my recent relationships. I spend time with friends, I read, I go to sleep whenever I want and eat whatever I want and watch whatever I want to watch on TV. It’s the first time in a long time that I can be truly, completely — I guess you could call it selfish!

I’ve always been a “why not” kind of person, so I’m sure I’ll go out with this guy again and try to keep an open mind.

But frankly, in my current mindset, someone’s got to be pretty damn awesome to compete with my all time favorite guy.

That’s right….

Noodles is by far the frontrunner.

Cyber-Crushing

Is it actually possible to have a crush on someone you’ve never…well, actually met?

I posed this question to T. today in the context of the new guy I’ve been emailing with, and she reassured me that yes, if it’s acceptable to have crushes on celebrities, it is definitely OK to crush on a guy you have actually talked to (albeit only online and once on the phone). Whew. Glad I’m not completely crazy.

This guy’s passion is writing, so it’s no wonder that his emails are nothing short of excellent. Witty, cute, unpretentious, sly movie references — what’s not to like? Sending lengthy emails back and forth, though, tends to create this odd feeling, where you feel that on the one hand you know part of this person’s life story (way more so than someone you meet at, say, a bar) but on the other hand, again, you haven’t actually met them.

Anyway, after a week of emailing, I am ready to take this out of cyberspace and into the real world, and on Sunday we are meeting up for coffee. (Or, as I suggested to him in my last email, maybe we could just go eat a bunch of caramels. See, I can make sly movie references too!!) Here’s hoping that he is as fun & cute in person as he is over email & phone. When we talked on the phone, we were discussing writing and I mentioned my blog. I almost — almost! — made the lethal error of revealing my identity as Little Miss Law, but thankfully bit my tongue. Talk about him knowing my whole life story before he meets me! (Also, then I couldn’t write about him, which is just too fun.)

Noodles is snuggling up to me so close that I can’t even type anymore, which is a clear sign that he misses me and that it’s past our bedtime. Till later, dear readers, have a fantastic weekend!

Dating in L.A.: a Recap

Good evening, dear readers. In yesterday’s post I mentioned that I’ve been dating in L.A. for five years. (Actually, it’s almost 6 years. Even though I first moved to Southern California in 1998, I went to college in the Inland Empire (good ol’ I.E.) and I didn’t do any dating in L.A. proper until my senior year of college, after I turned 22. At any rate, I have been on my fair share of dates, and I thought that by way of background, as I embark on this round of dating, I’d fill you in on the people I’ve dated in the past. These, by the way, ranged from a single date to a 3 year relationship and everything in between.

1. First real L.A. guy I dated could not be more stereotypical L.A. My friends and I came out to L.A. to go out on the Sunset Strip and I met him at Miyagi’s (which, in my younger days, I used to love). He was from New York, an aspiring screenwriter, and lived in Hollywood in a tiny, messy 1 bedroom apartment. He was (shocker!) incredibly narcissistic. He wore — wait for it — white T shirts with the sleeves rolled up. Do you think my friends have stopped teasing me about this, six years later? Think again.

2. A guy who lived in Culver City with his mom and brother and drove a preposterously tricked out rice-rocket type car (he was a tall skinny white guy). On our second (and final) date we were hanging out at his condo (I think Mom was out of town) when his brother walked in with – guess who? – my date’s recent ex. I spent the next hour listening to my date tell all his friends on the phone what a bitch his ex was, and what a jerk his brother was.

3. A guy who was a few years older than me (probably 28 to my 22) and liked to repeatedly say “So is that what you kids are listening to/watching/etc these days?”

4. A guy I met through a friend, who when we first met, lived in a filthy fraternity house at UCLA. I frankly just wasn’t that into him, and this time it was me who pulled a disappearing act (after he had cooked me dinner at his new apartment, on a red and white checkered tablecloth no less.) Ouch! Can we say dating karma?

5. A guy who lived in Manhattan Beach and worked at Toyota and drove, lived and breathed Toyota. He was very cute, and I really liked him, but after 3 or 4 months of seeing each other I still didn’t feel much closer to him and it fizzled. Still, we had some truly fun dates — he always liked to try new restaurants.

6. A guy I went to law school with who told other people I was his girlfriend, but whose idea of a date was meeting up with each other at a bar. For my birthday that year (#23), he came along and played boyfriend and even gave me a pretty little necklace. Then, a week or so later, he dumped me — after we had just watched High Fidelity, no less. Unsurprisingly, given his vision of himself as a lawyer-slash-party boy, he now works at the fraternity of law firms. Oh and he is the infamous guy who made me pay $260 for my half of the meal.

7. An Australian guy who approached me in a coffee shop I used to study in, lived in a guest house in Bel Air, and whose claim to fame was one line in one action movie.

8. I guy I met on Friendster, went out with a few times until he dropped off the face of the earth. At the time I was confused and annoyed, but in hindsight, he WAS at least an inch shorter than me.

9. A friend of a college friend, who I emailed with at length, we knew each others’ life stories…but on our date we went to dinner and a billiards bar. He was uber competitive at pool, then looked over my head at the sports on TV all night. At the end, he realized he wasn’t over his ex.

10. A friend of a law school friend, who I had met previously when he was dating someone, and then we reconnected when we were both single. We went out a few times, but again, not over his ex. He was also very cute. Our mutual friend told me that I wasn’t really his “type” because his ex was a “big girl.” Well, within a year after things fizzled between us, he was dating a new girl…and my friends, looking at her picture online (they discovered this through the wonders of Myspace), declared her to be my twin.

After that I met my ex-fiance, we dated for 3 years, and I think you know, at least roughly, what has happened since! Has dating improved since I was 22? Well, I guess that remains to be seen, but given recent events, Little Miss Law’s Magic 8 Ball is reading “Outlook Not So Good.”

We’ll see, dear readers!

Five Years of Dating in Los Angeles (and Counting)

Last week after getting back from Ohio, dear readers, was jam packed with playing catch-up at work and lots of fun plans during the week, which left no time to fill you in on the life of Little Miss Law! So tonight I finally get to be in my PJs, watching my guilty-pleasure TV (The Hills), and catch up with the blog.

First, a confession. After much hyping of the mancation, it has, somewhat anti-climactically, come to an end. I think I explained the original purpose for the mancation — to take a breath, focus on Little Miss Law, get my head straight, and just enjoy being single. And I really have enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, being single. It’s a unique kind of freedom that it’s easy to forget about when you’re in a relationship: the ability to make all the plans you want, any night of the week; not having to worry what anyone else wants to do, eat, or watch on TV; not having to call and check in with anyone; and so on. Of course, these things do cut the other way — there are moments when I crave having a significant other to pick up the phone and call, or to come home to at the end of the day, but overall the single life is completely agreeing with me.

Still, I have slowly started to dip my pinky toe back in the dating pool, so to speak. I had belonged to two different dating websites before I met my most recent ex, met him on one of them, and never really used the other one, though I have continued to get the emails from the site continuously. In a not-so-sneaky-but-effective ploy, the site sends you the profiles of those people who email you, but you can’t actually read the emails until you pay. (Surely Little Miss Law must have the willpower/common sense to resist this blatant tactic? Um…sadly, no. You’re talking to the girl who no longer picks up her home phone because she will inevitably be persuaded into donating to her alma mater/the Democratic National Committee/Los Angeles firefighters…you get the idea.) Anyway, I was accruing more and more emails that I couldn’t read and I was generally uninterested in reading them (40 year old men need not apply), until I came across one profile that caught my eye. It was witty, interesting and the pictures were cute. Oh, what the hell, I thought, and I forked over the money.

What happened next should come as no surprise to me or to anyone else who has spent as many years dating in L.A. as I have: a fabulous date followed by a fabulous blow-off. A date that lasted hours because we were talking animatedly the whole time, a text message the next day saying he had fun, and then……nothing.

**crickets chirping**

What can I say? As they dedicate a whole chapter to in He’s Just Not That Into You, the poor guy must have died. There’s really no other explanation. And that’s very unfortunate, because he truly seemed like a good person.

There’s just something about dating. What can be more invigorating, and yet what can be more depressing? It seems to call up a whole contradictory mess of emotions. I’m an optimist, so I want to get excited about someone–because otherwise, what fun is it? Then again, it’s important to be realistic, for obvious reasons. Beginning to date again is supposed to mean I’m moving on, and yet it also makes me nostalgic for my past relationships, because the idea of starting over, learning the ins and outs of someone new, is just as exhausting as it is exciting. Maybe because of that, I’ve had these weird urges over the past couple of weeks to call or email my ex. (I haven’t.)

Dating again also makes me realize that the mancation, while very important and useful, was also very emotionally safe. If I made the decision not to put myself out there, and not to date no matter what, it made me invincible. I wouldn’t open up and, so, I wouldn’t ever be hurt or disappointed.

Much as I’d like to live in a world where I never get sad, where I would never again have feelings for someone that aren’t reciprocated, where I’d never again have a relationship make me cry, I know that’s not going to happen. Ultimately I believe I’ll end up with someone just right, but to get there I know I need to be open and not closed off.

And if that means kissing a few more frogs along the way, well, so be it.

I have a lot of L.A. dating stories over my several years here that I could share with you, and I’m liable to have many more…so, dear readers, I’ll keep you posted!

Taking a Poll…

So tonight I watched Knocked Up (for the 2nd time) on DVD … such a funny movie. My friend and I began debating whether a girl like Katherine Heigl‘s character would realistically 1) have a one-night stand with or 2) end up with, Seth Rogen‘s character.

I won’t share yet what side of the debate I was on. What do you think, dear readers?