Following my Bliss

My parents have always been a bit into astrology (and other things I call “woo woo”) and, I admit that despite my Judgy McJudgerson attitude about it, I have always been intrigued by it too. Since I am at a crossroads and trying to make some big life decisions, when my mom got a “natal chart” reading that she thought was fantastic a few weeks ago, I decided to shed my lawyerly skepticism for the moment and get a reading myself. Now, don’t get me wrong – I’m not one to chart the course of my life 100% based on what anyone else tells me (be it career coach, astrologer, parent, therapist, etc), so this is no different, but I do feel that it’s good to get advice from all sides and perspectives when making big life decisions. I must say, I was impressed by what came out of my reading. Here are some of the highlights of what the astrologer told me:

-I am very sensitive and have a 6th sense about other people’s emotions and body language, which can be emotionally exhausting. I need time by myself to regenerate and go back out in the world.
-My skill set might be good for psychology or therapy (this was without me mentioning anything other than I was looking to maybe switch jobs or careers).
-I’m an autodidact and can teach myself anything I want to learn. Great love of reading, writing and ideas.
-Huge interest in causes, particularly relating to girls and young women. I need to have something I believe in. My work needs to be meaningful. The issue will always come back to whether I believe in what I’m doing.
-There is something to be said for utilizing what I have already learned. My path is like a pyramid where everything I’ve done continues to be useful.
-I have a theatrical component that he thinks would be good in a courtroom along with my ability to read body language.
-I mentioned jury consulting and he said I would be very good at that but that it involves the manipulative side of Scorpio and might not square with my belief system – he referred to it as “flirting with bad karma.”
-I have a 6th sense for figuring out what other peoples’ needs are. He thinks I could come up with something that doesn’t exist.
-He thinks I would be really good at teaching moot court, either in high school, college or law school. Strong language skills.
-Nontraditional way of healing or seeing what’s beneath the surface.
-I need to first figure out what I’m passionate about, what turns me on, and the rest is logistics. He sees me doing something with communications and/or young women.
-My calling in life is about finding a place for myself out in the world. The fact that I’m struggling about what to do means that I’m working on my calling.

My readers may or may not know enough about me to know that this was right on the money. And really, his advice was not much different than the exercises I’ve been doing with my career counselor — it seems once I figure out my passion, the rest will follow. Of course, it’s that process which is so difficult and time consuming and…well, such hard work.

My mom has recently discovered Joseph Campbell, and the expression “Follow your bliss.” When it comes right down to it, that’s really what I’m doing, isn’t it — trying to find my bliss?

So I decided I want to do a variation on the erstwhile gratitude journal. I want to take time each day to jot down those things in the day that made me smile, made me laugh, made me passionate…gave me bliss. To the extent they are little things (eating a good meal, sitting with Noodles on my feet, etc.) I will know I can boost my mood by doing these things. To the extent that themes develop with what blisses me out in work and play and they are things that I can pursue in my career, then I will be well on my way to finding out what, as the astrologer put it, “turns me on.” If nothing else, I think it will make me smile just to think about those things which make me smile day to day. And that’s always a good thing.

The Return of Little Miss Law

Hello, old friends!

As those of you who used to read this blog may recall, I stopped posting 3+ years ago.  I started a new blog, then another, until I gave up having a blog altogether.  I decided at that time that it had been wonderful and entertaining and therapeutic, but that I was done with sharing personal details of my life and that it was just too time consuming anyway.  A lot of wonderful things have happened in the past 3 years, which I will share in a moment.  But one thing hasn’t changed in that time – I still love to write, and I still don’t have an outlet that quite fulfills my need to write the way this blog did.  So after some consideration, I’m back!

So here’s the life of Little Miss Law over the past 3 years, in a nutshell (and yes,  just because I can never resist: “Help!  How do I get out of this nutshell?”)

1.  After many months of being in a funk and not feeling like myself, in 2008 I started seeing a therapist, who I saw for over a year.  I had always been reluctant about therapy, but she was terrific and it really helped bring me back to feeling…well, like me.

2. After many, many first and second dates with various eHarmony, Match, etc prospects that went nowhere, I met an amazing guy, who we’ll call Mr. Law, through mutual friends in September 2008.  (He’s a litigator like me, at a small firm.)  Words don’t suffice to describe this, but he is everything I’ve always been looking for.  We hit it off and our relationship took off quickly.  In May 2010 we got engaged and we’re getting married in July!  (Yes, this blog is likely to contain many wedding-related posts.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!)

3. After looking at 60-70 houses starting in January 2010, in September Mr. Law and I bought our 1st house, a 98-year-old Craftsman in the Hancock Park neighborhood of Los Angeles.  We both fell in love the first time we saw it and, even though homeownership can be daunting and scary, not a day goes by that we don’t comment how lucky we are to have found a place that is so perfect for us.

And now for the things that haven’t changed:

4.  The infamous Noodles is still around (in fact, he is sitting partially on my arm as I write this!)  He has mellowed out substantially since the days of the vicious attacks, and he and Mr. Law have even grown to love each other.

5.  I’m still at the same firm practicing litigation, and now more than ever (as a 6th year associate) I feel like I’m at a crossroads where I need to decide where to go from here.  (More on this to come too.)

6.  My same friends who I mentioned previously on the blog are all still very much in the picture and, in most cases, will be in my wedding.  But those friends are also almost all married and some have kids or kids on the way.  Three years has definitely caused a huge shift in that regard!

This is a short post, but I promise you, dear readers (if I have any now), to make my blogging regular again and not leave you hanging for another 3 years!

Till next time,

LML

The Eleventh Wheel

Another weekend is coming to an end, dear readers, and I thought I’d wrap it all up with a blog. Overall it was a pretty mellow weekend. I had to work part of the day yesterday and for a couple of hours today, but other than that I enjoyed the 4th annual cookie party with my former roommates, catching up on Netflix (Waitress and Superbad), reading (I am halfway through Saving Fish from Drowning) and, of course, my firm’s holiday party.

The holiday party was very nice–beautiful location, nice cocktail hour and appetizers, a meal, dancing. I love my co-workers, and the speeches were good (in particular one partner who had the crowd roaring with laughter – I literally had tears streaming down my face, I was laughing so hard). But still, I admit I didn’t exactly have fun. And I hate to say this, because I don’t want to be “that” whiny single person, but, well…frankly, it sort of sucks being a single in a sea of couples. For part of the night I was able to ignore the fact and even enjoy being a solo agent. During cocktail hour I wandered around and chatted with people, and felt sort of relieved to just be able to do my own thing. One funny thing about the night was that I was driving, so I only had 1/2 a glass of wine over the course of the whole night. My co-workers, on the other hand…not so much. Even my boss, when I was chatting with him toward the end of the night, was noticeably slurring his speech. People were getting very confessional with me, and I was just sort of nodding and humoring them.

Anyway, when my singleness became really noticeable was when we moved into the ballroom for the sit-down portion of the evening. There was no assigned seating, so people started grabbing up spots. Each table had 10 seats at it. Some of the girls I really like in my department encouraged me to come sit with them…but there were 10 seats, 5 couples already sitting there. One of my co-workers’ boyfriends went and stole a chair from another table so I could join them. This, of course, meant that I ended up stealing someone else’s napkin and fork, too. And at one point as I was eating my bloody prime rib and I looked around at everyone whispering conversation with ther spouse or boyfriend, I thought, Dear God, I’m the ELEVENTH WHEEL! (Actually, in the party as a whole I was probably the hundred-and-eleventh wheel, but who’s counting?)

After dinner I was literally dragged up on the dance floor by the arm, by my friend’s fiance. I danced while it was a group, but after a while, nobody was dancing in groups, just in couples, and I found myself weaving around on the dance floor among all the oblivious couples. If it had been a movie, everything would have been slow motion and there certainly would have been some sad song playing in the background. Soon afterward, I decided to leave, over the protests of my (tipsy) co-workers. One of my friends actually came running after me and was like, “Stay! You can drink, we can take a cab back later!” I begged off — it was sweet of her, but I was tired and done with the evening. I think maybe she was worried about me, and it would have taken too much effort to explain, “This isn’t fun, but it’s not the end of the world — I’d just rather be home in my PJs right now.”

I was talking to my college friend K. on the phone today — she is recently single after a long time on-again-off-again relationship with a guy who, in my opinion, sounded like no good. K. is one of the most spirited and outgoing, fun-loving people I know, so I think she’s a good single role model. I was talking to her about the fact that I love my girlfriends, but that most of them are married or pseudo-married and therefore not often available for or interested in girls’ nights or girls’ vacations. On Saturday night, after working a good chunk of the day, I felt like I wanted to go out. But I knew that my friends would be otherwise occupied with their men, so I opted for Netflix. To give a larger-scale example, I love to travel and would love to plan some little trips out of town, or bigger trips. But I can’t get anyone to go with me, either because they are saving time/money to travel with their BFs/spouses, or are saving money in general. Sometimes I feel like, what’s the use in working hard and making money if I don’t get to do the things I want to do? I was thinking about just saying screw it and taking a solo weekend trip in January, but I know myself and I’d probably just end up feeling sad and annoyed that I spent money to be in a different city alone – I can do that here!

Anyway, K. told me that when she was single a while ago, she started affirmatively trying to meet other single girls when she went out. I think maybe cultivating some new friendships would be a good thing for me…but then again, if I’m too busy at work to go out and meet new men, how am I going to meet new women? I guess it would be an interesting experiment to see which would be easier – finding a new guy, or finding a new girlfriend? Hmmm.

K. also told me something last time we talked that I really identify with. She said that she would be more fine with being single if she knew that she would eventually meet the right person. She wouldn’t need to know how or when – but just that she would meet him at some point. That’s sort of how I feel now. It’s not that being on my own is that bad day to day. But what bothers me is thinking that this could be how it is…indefinitely. I can bear being a little lonely now. I don’t know if I can bear this being the norm. I guess it’s all about attitude. Maybe I just need to buck up.

At any rate, dear readers, I hadn’t intended to write such a whiny post tonight! More sunny things next time, I swear…

We have changed but we’re still the same

Today, dear readers, I got an email from my ex-fiance for the first time in about 6 months. Last time we emailed it was because I was thinking about getting rid of Noodles after his vicious attacks. (Now, as Noodles sits on the couch next to me, purring sweetly, I think how sad it’d be if I had given up on him!) Anyway, since it had been so long without communication, the email came as a surprise.

It was a very sweet email…basically saying “Happy Holidays” and asking how things have been. At the end he wrote, “i know i have been a little distant and that is totally my fault, sorry. i just need some time to clear the head, and get my life in order.” I totally understand that sentiment, and it’s precisely why I was letting things breathe and not reaching out to him via email anymore. After I suggested that we meet for coffee and he said it was too soon, I realized – duh! – that it really was too soon. Then when the last guy I dated broke up with me, and I had such a hard time when he would email me because I would have false hope, I realized that I wasn’t doing my ex any favors by emailing him. If anything, I was probably just making it worse. I decided that I would just stop, and that when he felt ready he could contact me again.

And now he has. It’s strange because on the one hand I thought of a million things I could tell him. We dated for 3 years, so he knows all my friends and family, and so I have over a year’s worth of stories and engagements and gossip that I could share with him. But I know that sharing all those things with him, when he’s not really part of my world or my circle anymore (aside from a couple of my friends he has stayed friends with) would also be bittersweet. I certainly feel that way sometimes…our mutual friend let it slip a few weeks ago that my ex’s younger brother got engaged, and my stomach sank; partly because I loved his family and sometimes I miss being part of that, and partly because I can just imagine how it feels for my ex to be watching his brother on the verge of getting married.

So on the one hand, I really like that we’re back in contact. On the other hand, I don’t know if we’ll ever get past this superficial chit-chat and really be friends. I suppose only time will tell. As I was writing my reply email to him, the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani came on. “And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends/ After all that we’ve been through/ I know we’re cool…”

I love that song because it’s so full of hope and possibility: you can think that you’ll never get over someone, but eventually you’ll both meet someone new, and it’ll all be “cool”. (I also love the video.)

I do believe that people can be friends with their exes, in some instances. But with a broken engagement, it seems impossible. We went from having decided to spend the rest of our lives together, to not even being in each others’ lives. Can there be a happy medium? How could we ever look at each others’ significant other and not think, “That should have been me?”

**************************
Gwen Stefani – “Cool”

It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we’re still the same
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

Yeah, I know we’re cool

And I’ll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we’ve been
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

C-cool, I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

My cat saved my life.

Ok, so that may be a bit dramatic. Noodles didn’t literally save my life. He’s not Lassie or anything. If I fell down a well (or, you know, slipped in the shower, the apartment-life version of falling down the well) I don’t have much confidence that he would run and find someone to save me. (First of all, how would he get out of the apartment? But I digress.)

So what happened is this. I had an 8:30 am court appearance in Riverside…65 miles from my apartment which in L.A. traffic could take forever. I set my alarm on my cell phone to 4:45 am, to allow myself to shower, get ready (in my slow moving way) and get gas before heading out at 6 am. I forced myself to go to sleep at 10 pm.

Several hours later I was dead asleep when I was awakened by the sound of meowing. Loud meowing. Noodles was meowing his pretty little head off. I rolled over sleepily to check the time on my phone and discovered that my phone was off! I leapt out of bed, heart racing, and ran to the kitchen to check the time. I was sure that I’d see it was already 6 am and I’d be screwed.

What time was it? That’s right — 4:45 a.m. on the nose. Noodles was officially the hero of the morning. I have never been so grateful to be woken by Noodles at the crack of dawn.

That was actually the most eventful part of my day…court went well, the day went by peacefully, and now I am sitting with my hero at my side and watching the season finale of The Hills. (Can I just mention how envious I am of Lauren and Whitney going to Paris??)

On a final note before I turn to my Netflix, thank you, dear readers, for weighing in on my poll from yesterday. I’ve always thought pickiness can be good…I’m glad I’m not alone in that sentiment!

Dealbreakers

So I have been writing a lot about my dating life lately…such as it is. I’ve been pondering recently what things are reasonable criteria by which to eliminate potential suitors, and which are things that I could afford to relax about. So far these are the “dealbreakers” I look for when reviewing an online profile (in no particular order):

1. Bad grammar (the worst is mixing up your and you’re — the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up just thinking of it!)
2. Shorter than my height (5’9″) — hey, I like to wear heels

*** Note: In another post I commented that “most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc.” One of my loyal readers sent me this email: “you mean, they are shorter than I. I would have let it pass, but it came right after you said that men with bad grammar suck.” Perhaps I should get off my grammar high horse then! Anyway…

3. Politically conservative and/or very religious (since I am pretty much a bleeding heart liberal agnostic).
4. Allergic to cats – Noodles has been loyal to me for 2 years, which is more than I can say for any guy I’ve dated except my ex-fiance
5. Overuse of “lol”. This just seems so unnecessary out of the online-chat context, esp. in a dating profile (e.g. “I’m looking for a tall supermodel lol”). Wtf?
6. Hobbies are all things like skydiving. mountain biking etc. Nothing wrong with those things, but I’m way too weak sauce.
7. Emphasizes in the profile how into “fitness” he is. Again, that is a fabulous thing to be into, and more power to you. But I love to eat and I hate to work out. I don’t want someone to judge me for it!
8. Is unattractive. Are looks everything? Of course not. But if I’m surfing through pictures, I don’t care how fantastic your personality is, I won’t be excited to meet you unless you’re cute.

And the list goes on. So I can see how someone might read that and say I am too picky. My mom sent me an email last week about a blog she reads called Charming but Single. Charming had written a tongue-in-cheek post about how she wanted her next BF to have season football tickets. To that, she got the following response:

“I think your applicant pool is a lot of the problem here. The guys you meet seem to get what they want and move on. Then they like to drop back in on you (and you let them) and give you a complex thinking it was all just some misunderstanding because you didn’t show them you wanted a relationship. I’m not sure if they’re feeding you a line or if they assumed you were still in the fun stage because you met them in a bar. That’s not judgement it just seems men don’t think women they meet in bars are there to find a husband especially in our neck of the woods. I also think you might need to stop putting so much emphasis on appearances. It would never occur to me ever to list specific physical characteristics in my criteria for finding a life partner. When I was ready to settle down the biggest criteria for me was that he was at that stage as well and that he was smart. So with that in mind it might be time to start considering some of those cousins of your friends who have “great personalities.” They might not be Adonis but they are often gainfully employed, good fatherhood material and looking to settle down.”

My mom asked me what I thought about this. My first thought was, “Well, if that girl wants to have an unattractive husband, that’s her prerogative.”

Seriously, though, what is the difference between what she describes and, well, settling? In my opinion, if there’s anything a girl should be picky about, it’s the person she chooses to spend the rest of her life with. I mean, we’re not talking about a pair of shoes here.

Then again, is there a whole pool of guys I am needlessly eliminating from consideration? Or am I just saving myself heartache down the road?

Be honest, dear readers — am I being too picky?

Fa la la la la

Today, dear readers, I truly dived right into the holiday spirit. In addition to the holiday decor I already bought last weekend, I am now also the proud owner of a 7 1/2 foot tall artificial tree with white lights. My parents even sent me all my childhood Christmas ornaments, since they don’t use them anymore. It looks quite lovely, if I do say so myself. Even Noodles doesn’t mind it, after an initial freak-out when I lugged in the giant box — though I am a bit concerned since he seems to like to chew on the ends of the branches. And who knows what he does when I’m not here?

On a side note, I momentarily contemplated taking a photo of Noodles and me, perhaps in Santa hats, to send out as holiday cards this year. On the one hand, that is a definite entry into serious crazy cat lady territory. On the other hand, anyone who I’m going to be sending a personal holiday card to already knows about my CCL tendencies, so does it really matter? Maybe it’d be funny….?

Today I also got a lot of my Christmas shopping out of the way. Don’t get me wrong. I love shopping for other people. The problem is that it’s often hard for me to come up with the perfect gift — especially if I wait until 2 weeks before Christmas, as is usually the case. The other problem is that I see tons of stuff that I want for myself! (I showed enormous restraint today and did not purchase anything for me!) Things on my wish list include: sweater dress to wear with my new boots (I saw some gorgeous cashmere ones today at Bebe, but they were way too pricey); spa products at Blue Mercury; an electric skillet; anything and everything at Williams Sonoma; Scrabble board game…the list goes on. Of course, these are all things I can buy for myself, but for the next couple of weeks, me-shopping is off limits! After Christmas I can either buy the things myself or drop hints to my friends for my B-day (in January). Anyway, for today I found some good gifts and I didn’t spend way too much, as I am known to do when shopping under pressure, so it was a successful day.

This coming Friday is my firm’s holiday party, and it will be my 4th year attending it. The party is held at a beautiful hotel, and it’s really a lovely event. It’s the one time in the year that everyone — attorneys, staff, signifcant others — come together and celebrate. They announce who made partner and recognize people who have been at the firm for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. Everyone is always in good spirits and looking fantastic. I have a cute strapless black dress and new shoes to wear, so I’m all set. The one thing I hope will feel ok is not having a date. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I am one of only a handful of single people in my entire firm. The first two years I went to the party, I was with my ex-fiance; last year A. and I were dating clandestinely, so we were both there but not officially “together,” though we sat together at dinner. So this is my first year going truly solo. But I expect it’ll be fun as always — I find that I do well when I can do my own thing and not have to try to entertain someody else, especially with work people, who I love, so I think it’ll be a good time.

I’m feeling so holiday-ish, I wish I didn’t have 2 1/2 more weeks to wait! Enjoy the rest of your weekend, dear readers!

Sweetheart, bitterheart, now I can tell you apart

Does anyone not love that song by Feist? I just can’t get it out of my head!

The thing is, contrary to that line in the song, I don’t seem to be able to tell the good guys from the flakes or players. I have now been on dates with two different guys from this one dating website, and the same thing happened both times…seemingly nice date, then radio silence. Somehow the soundtrack to my dating life has become the sound of tumbleweeds rolling past. How did this happen?

What’s distressing about this situation isn’t so much the blow-offs themselves. That happens. In fact, I’ve done it myself! (Karma much?) What’s distressing is that these weren’t just random guys I picked. There are tons of guys on this dating site. I get emails fairly frequently. And most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc. Then there are the people who I email with a bit but lose interest in. So the ones who I actually communicate with long enough to meet in person have proven themselves to meet all my basic criteria and be witty and engaging. With both of these guys, we had great conversations before the date (both on the phone and in email), and pleasant dates.

Now, I know I’m being hypocritical and that I wasn’t exactly a smitten kitten recently either (at least beyond the email phase). I’ve been experiencing doubts about whether I even want to be dating or in a relationship. But still, I would think that after 2 dates, I’d get something more than ……

At least an email saying, “I just didn’t feel the chemistry was there.” Fine. Done. But for me to email someone and just get silence is infuriating because it says, “You don’t even matter enough to make me want to be polite.”

And even though I know it’s not true, there is that needling thought of, What if it’s me?

Anyway, dear readers, onward and upward….and maybe soon, offline. I don’t know how much more online dating I can stand!

***********
Feist – “1234”

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart

I don’t wanna dream about the things that I used to need…

Hello, dear readers, and I hope you had a fantastic weekend. Mine felt sort of abbreviated because I got roped into spending all day Saturday in the office, but I made up for it today by taking a big nap, doing laundry, and doing some major grocery shopping. (I got to cook a big meal tonight for the first time in forever, and my friend J. came over — always more fun cooking for other people.) Best of all, I also got into the spirit of the season and bought some fun and festive Christmas decorations, including star string lights, a poinsettia, and a small “ornament tree.” I was thinking about getting a big artificial tree (I am sort of allergic to real trees and I think Noodles would wreak havoc anyway), but I haven’t decided. I don’t have too much extra storage space, so I’m not sure where the artificial tree would live the other 11 months of the year. Now, I just need to get started on my Christmas shopping…eek!

So last night I had date # 2 with the guy I mentioned a few posts ago who writes the witty emails. We went out to a yummy dinner, had good conversations and even shared creme brulee, my favorite. To finish the night off, we went to a nearby comedy club–my face hurt from laughing at the end of the night.

I came inside from the date feeling good. But this feeling was soon replaced by something else. Dating, going out, having fun is one thing. Actually getting into a relationship is another thing. Now, we obviously aren’t there or even close at this point. But if things continue like this, it seems we could be. And that, dear readers, scares me to death. My recent relationships and dating experiences have simply made me incapable of getting excited the way I used to. Before, I would let myself get so bright eyed and bushy tailed about everything. Now, I can’t help but think, Any new guy I like is just likely to be the next guy to break my heart. Is it worth it to keep trying over and over again?

Being single, truly single, and not going out on dates, things feel relatively easy. I have my rhythm, I do my own thing, I focus on work and plans and friends and family. I look around at people in couples, and I feel sort of detached and neutral — I’m happy they’re happy, but I’m not anxious to be there.

But I find that when I start putting myself out there, when I start inching towards the possibility of becoming involved with someone, it suddenly shines a big bright light on my singleness and it just makes me feel more lonely. I start thinking how much I really do want to meet someone, and how much I don’t want to want that. Because it’s something over which I have no control, and something I can’t force. Because who knows if and when I’ll ever meet someone I really want to get serious with. Because who knows if I meet that person if they will want to be with me or not.

Far easier just to step back and curl up in my little ball. But what kind of way is that to be?

Isn’t it Ironic

Two blog posts in one night? I guess tonight I am really enjoying the sound of my own “voice.”

So you, dear readers, know all about the erstwhile mancation. And you know that it was pretty much the worst mancation ever. While waxing poetic about taking time off from dating and time for myself and blah blah blah, what was I really doing? You got it – thinking about guys and wishing I were dating. I knew that I couldn’t jump into another relationship so soon after three back-to-back-to-back relationships (as the bad texter corrected me when I just said “back to back”) but this big strong part of me really wanted to just get into a relationship as soon as possible to keep from doing the scary work of looking at myself and taking care of myself. I guess you could say I went through relationship withdrawal. Like any addiction, it was mighty hard to give up. My single self was pretty deeply buried under my relationship self.

And, as you know, I ended the mancation a couple of weeks ago and have gone on a couple of dates. The most recent guy is the fabulous emailer who I met for drinks a week and a half ago. We had a fun time, laughed a lot, and are making plans to go out again.

But…….

I just don’t feel that excited about it. And you know what? I sincerely think it has nothing to do with him. He was funny and cute in email, funny and cute in person. There’s no real reason not to be optimistic.

But the bottom line is, I think maybe I just don’t want to date right now! Yes, you heard me — after struggling through a few months of forced and half-assed mancation, I am finally in a place where I feel so content on my own that I am hestitant to rock the boat. My life has (work aside) become incredibly tranquil. I don’t have the drama and stress that plagued my recent relationships. I spend time with friends, I read, I go to sleep whenever I want and eat whatever I want and watch whatever I want to watch on TV. It’s the first time in a long time that I can be truly, completely — I guess you could call it selfish!

I’ve always been a “why not” kind of person, so I’m sure I’ll go out with this guy again and try to keep an open mind.

But frankly, in my current mindset, someone’s got to be pretty damn awesome to compete with my all time favorite guy.

That’s right….

Noodles is by far the frontrunner.