Little Miss Law Says Goodbye

Dear readers, after some contemplation, I have decided that today, the penultimate day of 2007, will mark the end of this blog. I’ve realized that the blog just isn’t serving the purpose in my life that I had once intended. Thanks for your support, dear readers – it’s been a fun ride. Here’s to a great 2008!

Back to the drawing board

This is how my morning started out. I had no sooner plopped myself in my desk chair at 8:45 am when the phone rang. It was a partner in my office with whom I have a good working relationship. He can be quite grumpy, but I seem to have endeared myself to him. He sort of reminds me of my grandpa.

He called me down to his office to talk about the brief I’ve been slaving over for him. Something in the tone of his voice made me realize that he was less than thrilled. And indeed, as soon as I stepped into his office he began, “You know I don’t mince words.” Oh, crap. Then he blurted it out: “I don’t like it. It needs a lot of work. I think you just need to go back to the drawing board. You need to rewrite it.” Words that I most dread hearing.

He then tried to make me feel better by 1) telling me a “war story” about a partner who used to criticize everything he did when he was a junior associate to the point that he dreaded coming to work in the morning and 2) telling me that I was “doing great.”

The real good news was, though, that as we started to go through the brief it became apparent that I wouldn’t need to go back to the drawing board — most of what he wanted was already there, it just needed to be retooled and re-framed. I breathed a big internal sigh of relief. It also occurred to me that I think I have a lot thicker skin than I used to. When I was younger I would cry at the drop of a hat and it was very hard for me to take criticism. But today, the criticism didn’t bother me because I knew it was coming from a good place, and that it will help me be a better lawyer. (If he were a screamer, that would be another story entirely).

At any rate, I am looking forward to 5 straight days of NO WORK. I’m flying up to Oregon to be with my family for the holidays and this time, unlike over Thanksgiving, I am bringing NO WORK with me!! I will be busy next week, but until then, it can wait. I need the R&R.

Another interesting thing this week. I wrote a few months ago about seeing A. for the first time since we broke up, and since then we have hung out several times and are buddies again. (In fact, he called me tonight and wants my advice, so we are having lunch next week.) That first time I saw him again, I expected it to be so hard, but instead I just had the feeling of “Huh – I used to really be into this guy.”

Well, I had that same experience this week with the guy I dated a few months back. He stopped by to drop off some of my things, and I was sort of dreading it. We have been emailing casually, but he had still been in my head more than I wanted to admit. I think when I’m not dating somebody, the tendency is to want to reminisce about the most recent person I dated. Anyway, he came by, and instead of feeling sad or wistful or flustered, I just got that same feeling of “Huh.” It was as if a switch went off and I was suddenly 100% over it — I still feel friendly towards him but that’s all.

And that is this week’s reminder that things really do fall into place just as they should, dear readers.

Noodles and I are off to bed … one more day of work and then leaving on a jet plane! I may blog while I’m in Oregon if the mood strikes…

The Eleventh Wheel

Another weekend is coming to an end, dear readers, and I thought I’d wrap it all up with a blog. Overall it was a pretty mellow weekend. I had to work part of the day yesterday and for a couple of hours today, but other than that I enjoyed the 4th annual cookie party with my former roommates, catching up on Netflix (Waitress and Superbad), reading (I am halfway through Saving Fish from Drowning) and, of course, my firm’s holiday party.

The holiday party was very nice–beautiful location, nice cocktail hour and appetizers, a meal, dancing. I love my co-workers, and the speeches were good (in particular one partner who had the crowd roaring with laughter – I literally had tears streaming down my face, I was laughing so hard). But still, I admit I didn’t exactly have fun. And I hate to say this, because I don’t want to be “that” whiny single person, but, well…frankly, it sort of sucks being a single in a sea of couples. For part of the night I was able to ignore the fact and even enjoy being a solo agent. During cocktail hour I wandered around and chatted with people, and felt sort of relieved to just be able to do my own thing. One funny thing about the night was that I was driving, so I only had 1/2 a glass of wine over the course of the whole night. My co-workers, on the other hand…not so much. Even my boss, when I was chatting with him toward the end of the night, was noticeably slurring his speech. People were getting very confessional with me, and I was just sort of nodding and humoring them.

Anyway, when my singleness became really noticeable was when we moved into the ballroom for the sit-down portion of the evening. There was no assigned seating, so people started grabbing up spots. Each table had 10 seats at it. Some of the girls I really like in my department encouraged me to come sit with them…but there were 10 seats, 5 couples already sitting there. One of my co-workers’ boyfriends went and stole a chair from another table so I could join them. This, of course, meant that I ended up stealing someone else’s napkin and fork, too. And at one point as I was eating my bloody prime rib and I looked around at everyone whispering conversation with ther spouse or boyfriend, I thought, Dear God, I’m the ELEVENTH WHEEL! (Actually, in the party as a whole I was probably the hundred-and-eleventh wheel, but who’s counting?)

After dinner I was literally dragged up on the dance floor by the arm, by my friend’s fiance. I danced while it was a group, but after a while, nobody was dancing in groups, just in couples, and I found myself weaving around on the dance floor among all the oblivious couples. If it had been a movie, everything would have been slow motion and there certainly would have been some sad song playing in the background. Soon afterward, I decided to leave, over the protests of my (tipsy) co-workers. One of my friends actually came running after me and was like, “Stay! You can drink, we can take a cab back later!” I begged off — it was sweet of her, but I was tired and done with the evening. I think maybe she was worried about me, and it would have taken too much effort to explain, “This isn’t fun, but it’s not the end of the world — I’d just rather be home in my PJs right now.”

I was talking to my college friend K. on the phone today — she is recently single after a long time on-again-off-again relationship with a guy who, in my opinion, sounded like no good. K. is one of the most spirited and outgoing, fun-loving people I know, so I think she’s a good single role model. I was talking to her about the fact that I love my girlfriends, but that most of them are married or pseudo-married and therefore not often available for or interested in girls’ nights or girls’ vacations. On Saturday night, after working a good chunk of the day, I felt like I wanted to go out. But I knew that my friends would be otherwise occupied with their men, so I opted for Netflix. To give a larger-scale example, I love to travel and would love to plan some little trips out of town, or bigger trips. But I can’t get anyone to go with me, either because they are saving time/money to travel with their BFs/spouses, or are saving money in general. Sometimes I feel like, what’s the use in working hard and making money if I don’t get to do the things I want to do? I was thinking about just saying screw it and taking a solo weekend trip in January, but I know myself and I’d probably just end up feeling sad and annoyed that I spent money to be in a different city alone – I can do that here!

Anyway, K. told me that when she was single a while ago, she started affirmatively trying to meet other single girls when she went out. I think maybe cultivating some new friendships would be a good thing for me…but then again, if I’m too busy at work to go out and meet new men, how am I going to meet new women? I guess it would be an interesting experiment to see which would be easier – finding a new guy, or finding a new girlfriend? Hmmm.

K. also told me something last time we talked that I really identify with. She said that she would be more fine with being single if she knew that she would eventually meet the right person. She wouldn’t need to know how or when – but just that she would meet him at some point. That’s sort of how I feel now. It’s not that being on my own is that bad day to day. But what bothers me is thinking that this could be how it is…indefinitely. I can bear being a little lonely now. I don’t know if I can bear this being the norm. I guess it’s all about attitude. Maybe I just need to buck up.

At any rate, dear readers, I hadn’t intended to write such a whiny post tonight! More sunny things next time, I swear…

We have changed but we’re still the same

Today, dear readers, I got an email from my ex-fiance for the first time in about 6 months. Last time we emailed it was because I was thinking about getting rid of Noodles after his vicious attacks. (Now, as Noodles sits on the couch next to me, purring sweetly, I think how sad it’d be if I had given up on him!) Anyway, since it had been so long without communication, the email came as a surprise.

It was a very sweet email…basically saying “Happy Holidays” and asking how things have been. At the end he wrote, “i know i have been a little distant and that is totally my fault, sorry. i just need some time to clear the head, and get my life in order.” I totally understand that sentiment, and it’s precisely why I was letting things breathe and not reaching out to him via email anymore. After I suggested that we meet for coffee and he said it was too soon, I realized – duh! – that it really was too soon. Then when the last guy I dated broke up with me, and I had such a hard time when he would email me because I would have false hope, I realized that I wasn’t doing my ex any favors by emailing him. If anything, I was probably just making it worse. I decided that I would just stop, and that when he felt ready he could contact me again.

And now he has. It’s strange because on the one hand I thought of a million things I could tell him. We dated for 3 years, so he knows all my friends and family, and so I have over a year’s worth of stories and engagements and gossip that I could share with him. But I know that sharing all those things with him, when he’s not really part of my world or my circle anymore (aside from a couple of my friends he has stayed friends with) would also be bittersweet. I certainly feel that way sometimes…our mutual friend let it slip a few weeks ago that my ex’s younger brother got engaged, and my stomach sank; partly because I loved his family and sometimes I miss being part of that, and partly because I can just imagine how it feels for my ex to be watching his brother on the verge of getting married.

So on the one hand, I really like that we’re back in contact. On the other hand, I don’t know if we’ll ever get past this superficial chit-chat and really be friends. I suppose only time will tell. As I was writing my reply email to him, the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani came on. “And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends/ After all that we’ve been through/ I know we’re cool…”

I love that song because it’s so full of hope and possibility: you can think that you’ll never get over someone, but eventually you’ll both meet someone new, and it’ll all be “cool”. (I also love the video.)

I do believe that people can be friends with their exes, in some instances. But with a broken engagement, it seems impossible. We went from having decided to spend the rest of our lives together, to not even being in each others’ lives. Can there be a happy medium? How could we ever look at each others’ significant other and not think, “That should have been me?”

**************************
Gwen Stefani – “Cool”

It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we’re still the same
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

Yeah, I know we’re cool

And I’ll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we’ve been
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

C-cool, I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

My cat saved my life.

Ok, so that may be a bit dramatic. Noodles didn’t literally save my life. He’s not Lassie or anything. If I fell down a well (or, you know, slipped in the shower, the apartment-life version of falling down the well) I don’t have much confidence that he would run and find someone to save me. (First of all, how would he get out of the apartment? But I digress.)

So what happened is this. I had an 8:30 am court appearance in Riverside…65 miles from my apartment which in L.A. traffic could take forever. I set my alarm on my cell phone to 4:45 am, to allow myself to shower, get ready (in my slow moving way) and get gas before heading out at 6 am. I forced myself to go to sleep at 10 pm.

Several hours later I was dead asleep when I was awakened by the sound of meowing. Loud meowing. Noodles was meowing his pretty little head off. I rolled over sleepily to check the time on my phone and discovered that my phone was off! I leapt out of bed, heart racing, and ran to the kitchen to check the time. I was sure that I’d see it was already 6 am and I’d be screwed.

What time was it? That’s right — 4:45 a.m. on the nose. Noodles was officially the hero of the morning. I have never been so grateful to be woken by Noodles at the crack of dawn.

That was actually the most eventful part of my day…court went well, the day went by peacefully, and now I am sitting with my hero at my side and watching the season finale of The Hills. (Can I just mention how envious I am of Lauren and Whitney going to Paris??)

On a final note before I turn to my Netflix, thank you, dear readers, for weighing in on my poll from yesterday. I’ve always thought pickiness can be good…I’m glad I’m not alone in that sentiment!

Dealbreakers

So I have been writing a lot about my dating life lately…such as it is. I’ve been pondering recently what things are reasonable criteria by which to eliminate potential suitors, and which are things that I could afford to relax about. So far these are the “dealbreakers” I look for when reviewing an online profile (in no particular order):

1. Bad grammar (the worst is mixing up your and you’re — the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up just thinking of it!)
2. Shorter than my height (5’9″) — hey, I like to wear heels

*** Note: In another post I commented that “most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc.” One of my loyal readers sent me this email: “you mean, they are shorter than I. I would have let it pass, but it came right after you said that men with bad grammar suck.” Perhaps I should get off my grammar high horse then! Anyway…

3. Politically conservative and/or very religious (since I am pretty much a bleeding heart liberal agnostic).
4. Allergic to cats – Noodles has been loyal to me for 2 years, which is more than I can say for any guy I’ve dated except my ex-fiance
5. Overuse of “lol”. This just seems so unnecessary out of the online-chat context, esp. in a dating profile (e.g. “I’m looking for a tall supermodel lol”). Wtf?
6. Hobbies are all things like skydiving. mountain biking etc. Nothing wrong with those things, but I’m way too weak sauce.
7. Emphasizes in the profile how into “fitness” he is. Again, that is a fabulous thing to be into, and more power to you. But I love to eat and I hate to work out. I don’t want someone to judge me for it!
8. Is unattractive. Are looks everything? Of course not. But if I’m surfing through pictures, I don’t care how fantastic your personality is, I won’t be excited to meet you unless you’re cute.

And the list goes on. So I can see how someone might read that and say I am too picky. My mom sent me an email last week about a blog she reads called Charming but Single. Charming had written a tongue-in-cheek post about how she wanted her next BF to have season football tickets. To that, she got the following response:

“I think your applicant pool is a lot of the problem here. The guys you meet seem to get what they want and move on. Then they like to drop back in on you (and you let them) and give you a complex thinking it was all just some misunderstanding because you didn’t show them you wanted a relationship. I’m not sure if they’re feeding you a line or if they assumed you were still in the fun stage because you met them in a bar. That’s not judgement it just seems men don’t think women they meet in bars are there to find a husband especially in our neck of the woods. I also think you might need to stop putting so much emphasis on appearances. It would never occur to me ever to list specific physical characteristics in my criteria for finding a life partner. When I was ready to settle down the biggest criteria for me was that he was at that stage as well and that he was smart. So with that in mind it might be time to start considering some of those cousins of your friends who have “great personalities.” They might not be Adonis but they are often gainfully employed, good fatherhood material and looking to settle down.”

My mom asked me what I thought about this. My first thought was, “Well, if that girl wants to have an unattractive husband, that’s her prerogative.”

Seriously, though, what is the difference between what she describes and, well, settling? In my opinion, if there’s anything a girl should be picky about, it’s the person she chooses to spend the rest of her life with. I mean, we’re not talking about a pair of shoes here.

Then again, is there a whole pool of guys I am needlessly eliminating from consideration? Or am I just saving myself heartache down the road?

Be honest, dear readers — am I being too picky?

Seriously?? Or, the Wonders of Online Dating

As you know, dear readers, I have been (re) trying the online dating thing, with no success. I have come thisclose to just throwing up my hands and throwing in the towel.

And today, I remembered why. Two different guys emailed me, and BOTH of them emailed me the exact same thing they had emailed me a few weeks ago. One just said “You are a beautiful girl with a great profile.” Ok, that’s annoying, but I suppose cutting and pasting a one sentence email is lazy but not THAT sinister. Any girl who is going to respond to that email knows what she’s getting into.

But the other one was the real kicker. The email starts off, “Hey this is insane you actually seem like a real match, just read it, that’s why I wrote it a little long, I know its match.com but read the whole thing.” Ok, starting off with a plea like that is weird, but I keep reading out of morbid curiosity. The next FIVE (not kidding) paragraphs are all about him…as though the lengthy online profile isn’t enough. Then the email closes with, “I really really hope I can hear from you, Hey you seem like an amazing match and I think we could have some great conversations regardless. I haven’t dated yet but hey, gotta start somewhere.”

When I first received this email a month ago, I quickly deleted it because of its puppy-dog-like overeagerness. But receiving it for the SECOND time (I changed my profile picture so I guess guys think I’m an all new person who they haven’t used their charms on yet), I realized that there is one thing worse than being sincerely overeager…being insincerely overeager. Wow, I’m really glad that he thinks I’m an amazing match, just as he thought the other picture of me was an amazing match. I feel sooooo special…just like everyone else.

Moral of the story: when using these dating websites, if you are going to write someone an email, please personalize it. Even if all you say is, “Hi, I like X thing about your profile, that’s cool that you’re a lawyer,” being bland is better than being creepy.

Next!

PS. I actually wrote guy # 2 back and let him know about his faux pas. We’ll see if I get a nasty note back or if he is embarrassed (as he should be).

Fa la la la la

Today, dear readers, I truly dived right into the holiday spirit. In addition to the holiday decor I already bought last weekend, I am now also the proud owner of a 7 1/2 foot tall artificial tree with white lights. My parents even sent me all my childhood Christmas ornaments, since they don’t use them anymore. It looks quite lovely, if I do say so myself. Even Noodles doesn’t mind it, after an initial freak-out when I lugged in the giant box — though I am a bit concerned since he seems to like to chew on the ends of the branches. And who knows what he does when I’m not here?

On a side note, I momentarily contemplated taking a photo of Noodles and me, perhaps in Santa hats, to send out as holiday cards this year. On the one hand, that is a definite entry into serious crazy cat lady territory. On the other hand, anyone who I’m going to be sending a personal holiday card to already knows about my CCL tendencies, so does it really matter? Maybe it’d be funny….?

Today I also got a lot of my Christmas shopping out of the way. Don’t get me wrong. I love shopping for other people. The problem is that it’s often hard for me to come up with the perfect gift — especially if I wait until 2 weeks before Christmas, as is usually the case. The other problem is that I see tons of stuff that I want for myself! (I showed enormous restraint today and did not purchase anything for me!) Things on my wish list include: sweater dress to wear with my new boots (I saw some gorgeous cashmere ones today at Bebe, but they were way too pricey); spa products at Blue Mercury; an electric skillet; anything and everything at Williams Sonoma; Scrabble board game…the list goes on. Of course, these are all things I can buy for myself, but for the next couple of weeks, me-shopping is off limits! After Christmas I can either buy the things myself or drop hints to my friends for my B-day (in January). Anyway, for today I found some good gifts and I didn’t spend way too much, as I am known to do when shopping under pressure, so it was a successful day.

This coming Friday is my firm’s holiday party, and it will be my 4th year attending it. The party is held at a beautiful hotel, and it’s really a lovely event. It’s the one time in the year that everyone — attorneys, staff, signifcant others — come together and celebrate. They announce who made partner and recognize people who have been at the firm for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. Everyone is always in good spirits and looking fantastic. I have a cute strapless black dress and new shoes to wear, so I’m all set. The one thing I hope will feel ok is not having a date. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I am one of only a handful of single people in my entire firm. The first two years I went to the party, I was with my ex-fiance; last year A. and I were dating clandestinely, so we were both there but not officially “together,” though we sat together at dinner. So this is my first year going truly solo. But I expect it’ll be fun as always — I find that I do well when I can do my own thing and not have to try to entertain someody else, especially with work people, who I love, so I think it’ll be a good time.

I’m feeling so holiday-ish, I wish I didn’t have 2 1/2 more weeks to wait! Enjoy the rest of your weekend, dear readers!

Sweetheart, bitterheart, now I can tell you apart

Does anyone not love that song by Feist? I just can’t get it out of my head!

The thing is, contrary to that line in the song, I don’t seem to be able to tell the good guys from the flakes or players. I have now been on dates with two different guys from this one dating website, and the same thing happened both times…seemingly nice date, then radio silence. Somehow the soundtrack to my dating life has become the sound of tumbleweeds rolling past. How did this happen?

What’s distressing about this situation isn’t so much the blow-offs themselves. That happens. In fact, I’ve done it myself! (Karma much?) What’s distressing is that these weren’t just random guys I picked. There are tons of guys on this dating site. I get emails fairly frequently. And most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc. Then there are the people who I email with a bit but lose interest in. So the ones who I actually communicate with long enough to meet in person have proven themselves to meet all my basic criteria and be witty and engaging. With both of these guys, we had great conversations before the date (both on the phone and in email), and pleasant dates.

Now, I know I’m being hypocritical and that I wasn’t exactly a smitten kitten recently either (at least beyond the email phase). I’ve been experiencing doubts about whether I even want to be dating or in a relationship. But still, I would think that after 2 dates, I’d get something more than ……

At least an email saying, “I just didn’t feel the chemistry was there.” Fine. Done. But for me to email someone and just get silence is infuriating because it says, “You don’t even matter enough to make me want to be polite.”

And even though I know it’s not true, there is that needling thought of, What if it’s me?

Anyway, dear readers, onward and upward….and maybe soon, offline. I don’t know how much more online dating I can stand!

***********
Feist – “1234”

One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart

Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can’t buy you back the love that you had then

Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you’re changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are

For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They’re breaking your heart

I don’t wanna dream about the things that I used to need…

Hello, dear readers, and I hope you had a fantastic weekend. Mine felt sort of abbreviated because I got roped into spending all day Saturday in the office, but I made up for it today by taking a big nap, doing laundry, and doing some major grocery shopping. (I got to cook a big meal tonight for the first time in forever, and my friend J. came over — always more fun cooking for other people.) Best of all, I also got into the spirit of the season and bought some fun and festive Christmas decorations, including star string lights, a poinsettia, and a small “ornament tree.” I was thinking about getting a big artificial tree (I am sort of allergic to real trees and I think Noodles would wreak havoc anyway), but I haven’t decided. I don’t have too much extra storage space, so I’m not sure where the artificial tree would live the other 11 months of the year. Now, I just need to get started on my Christmas shopping…eek!

So last night I had date # 2 with the guy I mentioned a few posts ago who writes the witty emails. We went out to a yummy dinner, had good conversations and even shared creme brulee, my favorite. To finish the night off, we went to a nearby comedy club–my face hurt from laughing at the end of the night.

I came inside from the date feeling good. But this feeling was soon replaced by something else. Dating, going out, having fun is one thing. Actually getting into a relationship is another thing. Now, we obviously aren’t there or even close at this point. But if things continue like this, it seems we could be. And that, dear readers, scares me to death. My recent relationships and dating experiences have simply made me incapable of getting excited the way I used to. Before, I would let myself get so bright eyed and bushy tailed about everything. Now, I can’t help but think, Any new guy I like is just likely to be the next guy to break my heart. Is it worth it to keep trying over and over again?

Being single, truly single, and not going out on dates, things feel relatively easy. I have my rhythm, I do my own thing, I focus on work and plans and friends and family. I look around at people in couples, and I feel sort of detached and neutral — I’m happy they’re happy, but I’m not anxious to be there.

But I find that when I start putting myself out there, when I start inching towards the possibility of becoming involved with someone, it suddenly shines a big bright light on my singleness and it just makes me feel more lonely. I start thinking how much I really do want to meet someone, and how much I don’t want to want that. Because it’s something over which I have no control, and something I can’t force. Because who knows if and when I’ll ever meet someone I really want to get serious with. Because who knows if I meet that person if they will want to be with me or not.

Far easier just to step back and curl up in my little ball. But what kind of way is that to be?