A few weeks ago, my dear friend T. (who just had her first baby who I am dying to meet!) reminded me about a post that I wrote about 3 1/2 years ago, back when Little Miss Law was just starting out. The title of the post was Babies R Not Me, and I’m sure you can imagine the subject of the post. At that time, none of my close girlfriends had babies or were trying to have babies just yet and I was still riding the wedding wave. Now, many of my close friends and co-workers have at least one child. Pregnancy, birth and babies are a frequent subject of lunch or dinner conversation with my friends. And now that I’m getting married in July, the topic of having kids has turned from “I’ll worry about that someday” to a subject that’s on my mind an awful lot.
In certain ways, I’m much more of a baby person now that I was when I wrote that post. It’s been so fun to watch my friends have kids and I love playing Auntie. Mr. Law has a niece and nephew back East and I can’t wait to officially be their aunt. I can easily imagine having kids with Mr. Law (and I admit that we’ve even discussed names we like). But where before my concerns about kids were abstract, now they have become more concrete and more worrisome.
One thing I worry about a lot is losing myself in having kids. I know (or at least, I’m told by many people including my own mom) that being a parent is one of the most extraordinary things a person can experience. On the one hand, I do want to experience that and all that comes with it. But I do know that it can be an all-consuming thing and I have noticed that it (rightfully so) becomes the number one focus of the lives of my friends with kids. But for me, I still don’t have that deep biological urge of “OMG I need a baby RIGHT NOW” and I don’t know if I’m ready to make that the focus of my life to the exclusion or minimization of all else. Mr. Law and I aren’t even married yet, and after we get married it might be nice to spend some time as newlyweds before we decide to take that leap.
Also, as much as I am conflicted about my career and where it’s heading, it has been my biggest focus (for better or worse) since graduating law school and it’s hard to think about changing that. The issue of children is one of the things that is making me question my career — it’s all fine and well to work long days and weekends when Mr. Law and I are childless and we can come home and have a late dinner together, but I don’t know how this will work if we have a family. I know I will want a more flexible schedule and I won’t want to miss all the “firsts.” On the other hand, I have the sense that people who go part-time at my firm are somewhat relegated, at least in the higher-ups’ minds, to the “mommy track.” That bothers me to no end after having dedicated so much time to my education and work life. I also worry that I will be distracted by home life at work, and by work life at home. It’s such a balancing act and I don’t know how to make it work. Mr. Law responds, “Everyone else makes it work, and so will we.” But I know a lot of unhappy lawyers and a lot of women who have left work to stay home full time (which financially is not an option for us), so I’m not so sure.
Sometimes I feel like it is a disadvantage to have waited till I am older and (ha) wiser to get married and have kids because while there is something to be said for analyzing and assessing my options, there is also something to be said for jumping in headfirst and figuring it out as you go along (instead of just dipping my toe in and deciding it’s too cold). Sometimes I think that all my worrying will just paralyze me and I need to just set it aside and think, que sera sera.
Easier said than done…
Little Miss Law 