Back to the drawing board

This is how my morning started out. I had no sooner plopped myself in my desk chair at 8:45 am when the phone rang. It was a partner in my office with whom I have a good working relationship. He can be quite grumpy, but I seem to have endeared myself to him. He sort of reminds me of my grandpa.

He called me down to his office to talk about the brief I’ve been slaving over for him. Something in the tone of his voice made me realize that he was less than thrilled. And indeed, as soon as I stepped into his office he began, “You know I don’t mince words.” Oh, crap. Then he blurted it out: “I don’t like it. It needs a lot of work. I think you just need to go back to the drawing board. You need to rewrite it.” Words that I most dread hearing.

He then tried to make me feel better by 1) telling me a “war story” about a partner who used to criticize everything he did when he was a junior associate to the point that he dreaded coming to work in the morning and 2) telling me that I was “doing great.”

The real good news was, though, that as we started to go through the brief it became apparent that I wouldn’t need to go back to the drawing board — most of what he wanted was already there, it just needed to be retooled and re-framed. I breathed a big internal sigh of relief. It also occurred to me that I think I have a lot thicker skin than I used to. When I was younger I would cry at the drop of a hat and it was very hard for me to take criticism. But today, the criticism didn’t bother me because I knew it was coming from a good place, and that it will help me be a better lawyer. (If he were a screamer, that would be another story entirely).

At any rate, I am looking forward to 5 straight days of NO WORK. I’m flying up to Oregon to be with my family for the holidays and this time, unlike over Thanksgiving, I am bringing NO WORK with me!! I will be busy next week, but until then, it can wait. I need the R&R.

Another interesting thing this week. I wrote a few months ago about seeing A. for the first time since we broke up, and since then we have hung out several times and are buddies again. (In fact, he called me tonight and wants my advice, so we are having lunch next week.) That first time I saw him again, I expected it to be so hard, but instead I just had the feeling of “Huh – I used to really be into this guy.”

Well, I had that same experience this week with the guy I dated a few months back. He stopped by to drop off some of my things, and I was sort of dreading it. We have been emailing casually, but he had still been in my head more than I wanted to admit. I think when I’m not dating somebody, the tendency is to want to reminisce about the most recent person I dated. Anyway, he came by, and instead of feeling sad or wistful or flustered, I just got that same feeling of “Huh.” It was as if a switch went off and I was suddenly 100% over it — I still feel friendly towards him but that’s all.

And that is this week’s reminder that things really do fall into place just as they should, dear readers.

Noodles and I are off to bed … one more day of work and then leaving on a jet plane! I may blog while I’m in Oregon if the mood strikes…

We have changed but we’re still the same

Today, dear readers, I got an email from my ex-fiance for the first time in about 6 months. Last time we emailed it was because I was thinking about getting rid of Noodles after his vicious attacks. (Now, as Noodles sits on the couch next to me, purring sweetly, I think how sad it’d be if I had given up on him!) Anyway, since it had been so long without communication, the email came as a surprise.

It was a very sweet email…basically saying “Happy Holidays” and asking how things have been. At the end he wrote, “i know i have been a little distant and that is totally my fault, sorry. i just need some time to clear the head, and get my life in order.” I totally understand that sentiment, and it’s precisely why I was letting things breathe and not reaching out to him via email anymore. After I suggested that we meet for coffee and he said it was too soon, I realized – duh! – that it really was too soon. Then when the last guy I dated broke up with me, and I had such a hard time when he would email me because I would have false hope, I realized that I wasn’t doing my ex any favors by emailing him. If anything, I was probably just making it worse. I decided that I would just stop, and that when he felt ready he could contact me again.

And now he has. It’s strange because on the one hand I thought of a million things I could tell him. We dated for 3 years, so he knows all my friends and family, and so I have over a year’s worth of stories and engagements and gossip that I could share with him. But I know that sharing all those things with him, when he’s not really part of my world or my circle anymore (aside from a couple of my friends he has stayed friends with) would also be bittersweet. I certainly feel that way sometimes…our mutual friend let it slip a few weeks ago that my ex’s younger brother got engaged, and my stomach sank; partly because I loved his family and sometimes I miss being part of that, and partly because I can just imagine how it feels for my ex to be watching his brother on the verge of getting married.

So on the one hand, I really like that we’re back in contact. On the other hand, I don’t know if we’ll ever get past this superficial chit-chat and really be friends. I suppose only time will tell. As I was writing my reply email to him, the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani came on. “And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends/ After all that we’ve been through/ I know we’re cool…”

I love that song because it’s so full of hope and possibility: you can think that you’ll never get over someone, but eventually you’ll both meet someone new, and it’ll all be “cool”. (I also love the video.)

I do believe that people can be friends with their exes, in some instances. But with a broken engagement, it seems impossible. We went from having decided to spend the rest of our lives together, to not even being in each others’ lives. Can there be a happy medium? How could we ever look at each others’ significant other and not think, “That should have been me?”

**************************
Gwen Stefani – “Cool”

It’s hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life
Passes things, get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacles
It’s good to see you now with someone else
And it’s such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown, oh
We have changed but we’re still the same
After all that we’ve been through
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

Yeah, I know we’re cool

And I’ll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles
And now we’re hanging out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we’ve been
I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

C-cool, I know we’re cool
I know we’re cool

Dating in L.A.: a Recap

Good evening, dear readers. In yesterday’s post I mentioned that I’ve been dating in L.A. for five years. (Actually, it’s almost 6 years. Even though I first moved to Southern California in 1998, I went to college in the Inland Empire (good ol’ I.E.) and I didn’t do any dating in L.A. proper until my senior year of college, after I turned 22. At any rate, I have been on my fair share of dates, and I thought that by way of background, as I embark on this round of dating, I’d fill you in on the people I’ve dated in the past. These, by the way, ranged from a single date to a 3 year relationship and everything in between.

1. First real L.A. guy I dated could not be more stereotypical L.A. My friends and I came out to L.A. to go out on the Sunset Strip and I met him at Miyagi’s (which, in my younger days, I used to love). He was from New York, an aspiring screenwriter, and lived in Hollywood in a tiny, messy 1 bedroom apartment. He was (shocker!) incredibly narcissistic. He wore — wait for it — white T shirts with the sleeves rolled up. Do you think my friends have stopped teasing me about this, six years later? Think again.

2. A guy who lived in Culver City with his mom and brother and drove a preposterously tricked out rice-rocket type car (he was a tall skinny white guy). On our second (and final) date we were hanging out at his condo (I think Mom was out of town) when his brother walked in with – guess who? – my date’s recent ex. I spent the next hour listening to my date tell all his friends on the phone what a bitch his ex was, and what a jerk his brother was.

3. A guy who was a few years older than me (probably 28 to my 22) and liked to repeatedly say “So is that what you kids are listening to/watching/etc these days?”

4. A guy I met through a friend, who when we first met, lived in a filthy fraternity house at UCLA. I frankly just wasn’t that into him, and this time it was me who pulled a disappearing act (after he had cooked me dinner at his new apartment, on a red and white checkered tablecloth no less.) Ouch! Can we say dating karma?

5. A guy who lived in Manhattan Beach and worked at Toyota and drove, lived and breathed Toyota. He was very cute, and I really liked him, but after 3 or 4 months of seeing each other I still didn’t feel much closer to him and it fizzled. Still, we had some truly fun dates — he always liked to try new restaurants.

6. A guy I went to law school with who told other people I was his girlfriend, but whose idea of a date was meeting up with each other at a bar. For my birthday that year (#23), he came along and played boyfriend and even gave me a pretty little necklace. Then, a week or so later, he dumped me — after we had just watched High Fidelity, no less. Unsurprisingly, given his vision of himself as a lawyer-slash-party boy, he now works at the fraternity of law firms. Oh and he is the infamous guy who made me pay $260 for my half of the meal.

7. An Australian guy who approached me in a coffee shop I used to study in, lived in a guest house in Bel Air, and whose claim to fame was one line in one action movie.

8. I guy I met on Friendster, went out with a few times until he dropped off the face of the earth. At the time I was confused and annoyed, but in hindsight, he WAS at least an inch shorter than me.

9. A friend of a college friend, who I emailed with at length, we knew each others’ life stories…but on our date we went to dinner and a billiards bar. He was uber competitive at pool, then looked over my head at the sports on TV all night. At the end, he realized he wasn’t over his ex.

10. A friend of a law school friend, who I had met previously when he was dating someone, and then we reconnected when we were both single. We went out a few times, but again, not over his ex. He was also very cute. Our mutual friend told me that I wasn’t really his “type” because his ex was a “big girl.” Well, within a year after things fizzled between us, he was dating a new girl…and my friends, looking at her picture online (they discovered this through the wonders of Myspace), declared her to be my twin.

After that I met my ex-fiance, we dated for 3 years, and I think you know, at least roughly, what has happened since! Has dating improved since I was 22? Well, I guess that remains to be seen, but given recent events, Little Miss Law’s Magic 8 Ball is reading “Outlook Not So Good.”

We’ll see, dear readers!

Know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away

It is a Saturday night in Los Angeles, dear readers, so why is Little Miss Law at her computer writing a blog instead of out on the town? Excellent question, my friends. This weekend my parents are visiting, but they like to head to bed at about 9 pm, so after dropping them at the hotel I returned to Noodles and my quiet apartment. I’m sure I could have found something fun to do tonight, but frankly it’s been a long tiring week and I am content to sit here in scrubby clothes and glasses instead of getting dolled up to go out. Also, tomorrow night I’m going to the annual soiree for my favorite nonprofit, so I’m relishing my mellow weekend night today instead of Sunday.

Anyway, enough excuses about my social life. Tonight, I’ve decided that it’s finally time to write about my last relationship. I have avoided doing so up till now in part out of respect for my ex, and partly, I admit, because I was still relishing a small ounce of hope that we would have a reunion tour (as my friend D. puts it). Now that I know it is truly over, I feel it’s time for the catharsis of writing about it. Sort of a blog Feng Shui … removing all the dust bunnies and old photos from under the bed, so to speak.

My ex and I met online, which in itself could be its own blog. (Los Angeles Magazine did a hilarious article about online dating in LA in the September issue – a must-read. Did you know that The Onion had an online dating site? Me neither!) Anyway, that is beside the point– after the first few weeks (when he insisted on telling his friends that we met at a cheezy Sunset Strip bar, while I was upfront with mine) I often forgot how we met because it was unimportant.

I will save anecdotes of the relationship for a different time if at all. But the bottom line is that this guy really got under my skin in an unusual way. Usually for me, when my relationships end it is fairly cut-and-dried. One person breaks it off, the other person is hurt, we don’t talk for a while, eventually we become friends or else we just forget about it and move on. For example — my ex-fiance was very clear when we broke up that we couldn’t talk, which we didn’t for a long time and we are out of touch again. With A., we didn’t talk for a few months and didn’t start really talking again and hanging out until recently.

Not so with this one. I was resolved not to talk to him until I was over it, but then he would send me a chatty email or a funny article and I would give in. Or even worse, I would demand that he stop contacting me and then, days or weeks later I would miss him and initiate contact. (I know, I know — mixed messages much?)

I told myself all sorts of different things about why I was doing this, but I realized recently that, at the heart of it, I thought I could get a different outcome. Sort of “Choose Your Own Adventure” style. Except that 1) I didn’t choose for us to break up in the first place and, even more importantly, 2) I knew intellectually (and still know) that nevertheless, breaking up was, in the end, the right outcome.

The problem has just been getting myself to feel that. I kept feeling that there was something there that was really strong — call it chemistry — and I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to replicate it. Now I’m not saying that I was or am afraid that I’d never find someone. I’ve never believed that; Little Miss Law is, above all else, an optimist. But I was afraid that I wouldn’t find that particular sort of inexplicable connection, at least not quickly.

I think I was also frustrated because it wasn’t something I could fix. It’s a weird blow to the ego — I may recognize all the ways in which we’re not compatible, but how could he not want to be with me?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him or think about him. I do. L.A. can be a lonely city, and I do wonder what he’s doing, who he’s meeting and whether he thinks about me, too.

But I know from experience that every day without someone it gets easier to be without them, and I know this will be the same. Simultaneously sad and reassuring. And, as I finally told him, not being with him when he doesn’t have those feelings for me can only bring me closer to finding someone who does.

With that, I’ll leave you, dear readers, with yet another song I have been listening to on repeat these days:

The Reason Why (Rachael Yamagata)

I think about how
it might have been
We’d spend our days
travelin’
It’s not that I don’t understand you
It’s not that I don’t want to be with you
but you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So I will head out alone,
and hope for the best
We can hang our heads down
as we skip the goodbyes
and you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I’ve got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I’m up for the little white lies
But you and I
know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

I’ll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I’ll track you on the radio
and I’ll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you
It’s not the same

So, I will head out alone
and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
we can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I
know the reason why
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there
I’m gone, and you’re still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
to cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well,
and hope you find
whatever you’re looking for
The way I might’ve changed my mind
but you only showed me the door

so I will, head out alone
hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
we can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I
You and I…
You and I…
know the reason why

Ring a Ding Ding Part II

It has been a very long day, dear readers, but I felt compelled to finish it off with a blog. I woke up bright and early to drive to court this morning; sat outside the courtroom for almost an hour reviewing all the papers that had been filed in the case; sat in the courtroom for an hour and a half while the judge dealt with other cases; and then the judge finally told us that he would “feel more comfortable” if he could have more time to review all the papers in the case. Seriously? He then reset the case for hearing on Friday. If he isn’t prepared by then, I think I’ll scream.

But on to the real topic for today. Over the weekend, a date came and went without much thought. A day that, had I followed a different path, would have been extremely important to me: my wedding day.

This week also marks a year since my ex-fiance and I broke up. When we first broke up, I thought that when this day came around — the day that was to be our wedding day — it would be incredibly heartbreaking. I thought I’d have to plan a trip or a party or something to distract myself from the absence of that event. I imagined lots of tears, lots of nostalgia, maybe some regrets.

I’m happy to say, though, that I didn’t have any of those reactions. Not sadness, not nostalgia and certainly not regret. To be honest, since I was working the better part of the day (on a Saturday – such is life) I didn’t even think about it that much. But when I have thought about it recently, the biggest thing I have felt is relief. There are few worse feelings than being with someone who isn’t right for you–especially if that someone is incredibly sweet and generous and loving, as my ex was. Toward the end of our relationship, every sweet and kind thing that he did for me just made me feel more and more guilty and more and more conflicted. How can I let someone go who loves me so much? I thought. But how can I stay when in my heart it just feels wrong?

I knew that us breaking up would be the right thing in the long run. I hope that, a year later, he sees that too.

In the last few months, all my friends seem to be getting married or engaged or in serious relationships. Again, you’d think that this would make me nostalgic or regretful or envious. But to the contrary, I am relieved — because I can imagine how happy I’ll be when I find the person I’m supposed to be with, I know I haven’t found him yet, and till then, dear readers, I am happy and patient.

Much like the song I’m in love with right now by the Wreckers: (ignore the cigarettes, old dirt roads and country songs)

Got my headlights shining
Down an old dirt road
Smoke my cigarettes
I should quit I know

The radio’s playing
Old country songs
Someone’s leaving, someone’s cheating
On and on

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

[Chorus]
‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
all my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

See I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he’ll miss me
Lord knows I tried

But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

[Chorus]

I ain’t gonna sleep
I don’t wanna dream
About the things that I used to need
I ain’t gonna cry
Or go on living lies
I’m just gonna drive

And so it goes.

Dear readers, I am waiting for a phone call at work, so what better time to update my blog?  So much more fun than, say (gasp!) doing actual work! 

My job has really been stressing me out this week.  I know I have a stressful job, and most of the time I try to just roll with the punches and embrace it, but somehow recently I have become overwhelmed by how long my “to-do” list has become.  What’s most annoying is that often I am waiting on other people–the client, the partner, opposing counsel–to get back to me so that I can finish things up.  I hate when I have my stuff together, but because others don’t, I end up scrambling.  I was kvetching to my office neighbor, L. and I said, “Is this my fault?” and she said, “Not your fault.  It may be your problem, but it’s not your fault.”  And  that’s when it hit me–two different things, same result.  As long as it’s my ultimate responsibility, it falls on me, and it doesn’t matter who was on time and who was slacking off, it’s still me.

Anyway, enough about that, Little Miss Law is even starting to bore herself!  🙂  Yaaaaawwwwn.

So last night I had the long awaited drink with my ex, A.  What was planned to be a drink became dinner, since we didn’t meet up until about 8:00 and were fairly hungry.  First, though, I got to help him with an amusingly typical agent’s assistant task–shop for a “first day gift” for a client.  Apparently whenever an actor they represent starts shooting a movie, they buy the actor a gift to celebrate.  I could reveal what actor and what movie….but then A. would have to kill me.  And perhaps all of you.  So I won’t.  But at any rate, we scoured the Century City mall for pocket watches, and I learned some useful pocket watch-buying tips.  If your budget is in the 1000’s, then you should go to Tourneau, which had really gorgeous antiquey looking pocket watches.  The lady there kept trying to convince us that they were the cheapest pocket watch seller around and asked A. no less than 10 times if he wanted to open an account and get a payment plan.

After Tourneau was too expensive, and Bloomingdale’s was fresh out of pocket watches, we headed to Macy’s (despite the Bloomie’s sales rep’s snotty comment that “if we don’t have pocket watches, they won’t have pocket watches”).  There we stumbled upon the perfect thing…a Swiss Army pocket watch, all for the lovely price of $175.  Sold!

Next we went on to dinner at Pink Taco.  I know you were probably hoping for some juicy, scandalous stories, but for better or for worse, it was just really nice and friendly and good to catch up.  It was a little bit of a Twilight Zone experience meeting him at the mall, though — I had a flashback to when we were first dating and it was still clandestine because he was still at the firm, and we were working on a case together.  A few nights we had to work late on the case, so we would go and have a little dinner date at the mall food court and then come back to the office.  And even though we sat on different floors, it felt nice to know that we were both there.  In fact, I really miss having him around.  Before we ever dated, he was one of my best friends and confidants at work.  That is part of what makes me so happy that we are friends again.

Anyway, we even had a really open conversation about the people we had each dated after we broke up.  I told him about my recent ex, he told me about the (according to him) crazy girl he dated, who the day that he broke up with her, showed up at his doorstep again begging him to take her back.  Sheesh–I’m glad I’ve never been guilty of that kind of crazy behavior!  It was weird telling A. about my ex, just like I told him about A.  It made me think that even though it seems unfeasible now, maybe down the line he and I will be able to have the same conversation that A. and I had, and talk about the people we are dating/have dated, laugh, give each other advice, and be normal.

Then again, it makes me a bit ill just thinking about it, so we are clearly not there yet.

Anyway, the most interesting thing about the evening was looking at A. and thinking, Wow, I was really, really infatuated with this guy.  And instead of making me feel wistful or regretful or upset, it just made me think, “Huh.”  I feel like a different person than the girl who was crazy about him, and that is so nice.  Time marches on, you grow up….

And so it goes.

You probably think this blog is about you…

Hello dear readers,  I hope you are all enjoying the long weekend.  I for one have had a very relaxing time and have gotten to catch up with a lot of my different friends, which has been a much-needed break.  Got some girly-movie-time, some pool time, the return of Sunday night dinner, and saw an awesome exhibit at LACMA today.  (Now that I have been broken in to LACMA, I am going to have to go way more often.  How did I live without it for so long?)  Even better, I got to meet a bunch of fellow Spanish speaking nerds and practice my espanol, which tends to get rusty.  I always seem to forget how much I love speaking Spanish  –I started studying it when I was six, so speaking it brings me back to this very authentic part of myself.

Tonight I had dinner with a few of my favorite L.A. girls and then we watched another disc of Felicity, which still may be my all time favorite show.  It is just so real and spot-on about relationships. 

After they left I was pondering a conversation I had this weekend with my friend L. about being friends with exes.  I told her that I went to dinner a couple of weeks ago with my college ex and that next week I’ll be having drinks with the guy I dated a few months ago.  She was fairly incredulous, and told me that if her boyfriend broke up with her, she would never speak to him ever again. 

The thing is, I’m friends with virtually all my exes, and I like it that way.  There is something kind of tragic about sharing so much time, so many feelings and so many memories with someone, and then having them completely out of your life.  Sometimes I feel like, if there is no one to reminisce with about an event, it’s as though it never happened at all.

That is not to say that becoming friends with one’s ex is easy.  Of course it depends on the circumstances.  My college ex and I broke up 6 years ago, and have only become close friends again within the past year.  My ex-fiance and I are on amicable terms, but we have only seen each other once, for 5 mins when I had to open the apartment for him, in the 11 months since we broke up, and we only send chatty emails very rarely.  There, it may never be comfortable for us to truly be friends.  My high school sweetheart and I are still good friends–he’s married now, and so when we get together we just laugh a lot.  And my ex from a few months ago and I started off as friends before we dated, so I really hope that this transition back to friendship goes well.

But, there is one big ground rule that I think is important to establishing a friendship with an ex, and it’s this:  Don’t try to be friends with your ex right away. 

Yes, it’s tempting.  You just broke up.  You miss him or her.  You read an article online and you think, She’d think this was funny.  I’ll just email it to her.  No big deal. 

Whatever you do, don’t send that email.  Don’t pick up the phone.  Don’t send a text message.  Don’t even think about doing any of those things.

Here’s why this is true, whether you are the breakupper or the breakuppee.  If you are the breakupper, for better or worse, you hold more cards.  You initiated the breakup, so when you miss the person, you can feel pretty secure knowing that he misses you too.  But actually acting on the “I miss him/her” impulse and contacting the person is just plain selfish.  If you wanted anything with the person, you wouldn’t have just dumped him/her, would you?  All you want is to feel less guilty about hurting the other person’s feelings, and/or keep the door open by reassuring yourself that you may be able to wheedle your way back with your ex.  Not that you will, but isn’t it a nice ego stroke to know you could?  These are bad reasons to be in touch with someone.

For the breakuppee, there is no reason for you to be talking to the person who just looked you straight in the face and said, “I don’t want to be with you.”  Of course you miss him/her.  But if you stay friends with that person, you are accepting less than what you really want, and you’ll feel awful about it.  You have to let yourself miss him/her, be really pissed off, vent to anyone who will listen, do whatever you need to do, and then move on.  And how can you move on when your ex won’t get out of your way and let you by?

Not to mention, a real friend is someone you can talk to about anything and everything.  Here’s what will happen if you try to be friends with your ex right away.  You exchange emails, maybe you talk on the phone, maybe you still hang out.  Then one day, during an innocuous chat, one of you lets it slip that they are dating someone new.  But by then, you can’t get mad or upset or anything really, because what are “friends” for if not to listen to each others’ shmoopy stories?

BLECH.

But here’s the bright side (because Little Miss Law always has a bright side): after a few months go by with no contact, when you have really moved on, then it may actually be possible to be friends.  That’s the brilliant part.  Time really does heal these things.

Feel free not to listen to me, though.  What does a single girl know anyway?

I’ll leave you with one final relationship/breakup tip.  When you are in the early stages of dating, don’t leave anything at your significant other’s house that you aren’t afraid to part with forever (or a few weeks/months as the case may be).  In my last 2 relationships, I have collectively parted with 2 books, 3 seasons of TV shows on DVD, a couple of CDs and a sweater.  I’m finally getting Season 2 of the Office back this week…whew!

Till next time, dear readers…..a very happy Labor Day.

It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore

Tonight I talked on the phone for about an hour with a guy I dated several months back.  This is notable because it was our first real conversation since we broke up.

We had started off as co-workers, became fast friends, and after my engagement ended, we started dating.  We dated for a few months and then things began to fizzle out.  One day after I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days, I called him and asked him point blank whether something was going on.  Then he ‘fessed up:  He said that he didn’t know whether it was just his new job, or whether he didn’t care enough to make the relationship work, but he told me he needed some time to figure things out.  He couched it as a “break” but I took it for what it was: a break-up.  I told him I didn’t care to stick around and audition for the role of his girlfriend.

In the aftermath of the breakup, I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions.  I felt hurt, angry and betrayed.  I was hurt about the fact that he had a change of heart, but even more than that, I was upset that he wasn’t upfront with me about it, even though we had started off as such close friends–instead, he pulled away and made me initiate the breakup conversation.  (For what it’s worth, I should have seen this coming.  This was a guy who felt too guilty to “break up” with his personal trainer when he could no longer afford the sessions, so he just stopped returning the guy’s phone calls.)  At the time it felt like the world was ending.  I couldn’t envision my life without him in it, and yet I couldn’t envision ever being OK with just being friends, either.

So for the last several months, we had not talked on the phone at all, though we had chatted online once and exchanged voice messages.  When we chatted online, we had shared information about the people we were seeing (I only felt a little gratified when he described his new girlfriend as “crazy”) and to my surprise it felt actually fine. 

And then tonight we talked and it struck me: talking to him didn’t hurt at all.  Not a pang of regret.  Not a twinge of nostalgia.  Nada.   It was truly just like a reunion with an old friend.  We talked about work, our families, our friends, and did general catching up.  We each commented that it was nice to hear the other person’s voice.  We laughed about things that I never thought we’d laugh about.  And then we said goodnight and that we’d talk soon — and that was that.  The world stayed intact.

And it seems that’s just the way it goes.  When relationships end, when your heart hurts, it really does just take time.  Whenever something bad happens, I always wish that I could push past the hard part, but it’s just part of the process.  At the time it seems endless, but then time goes by and one day you look around and you realize that you’re OK.  And you realize that you’ve been OK, and you’ve been happy, for quite some time, but you were too busy being happy and living your life to recognize the change. 

As they say, “This too shall pass.”  And it’s such a relief to remember how true that is.

Just One of Those Days…

…Make that one of those weeks.  I know, it’s only Tuesday.  It’s a combo of a lot of things, some carrying over from last week, including: a breakup; continuing sleep deprivation; insanity at work; one of my co-workers being given 60 days to find a new job; and just a general icky feeling.  Wah wah WAH (Debbie Downer noise).  Or as my friend T. would say, “Do I need to call the WAH-mbulance?”

But dammit, Little Miss Law is nothing if not an optimist!  So here are some bright spots:

1)  I decided to start thinking about buying a condo, so I am meeting with a mortgage guy next week to talk financials & see what I can afford.  Noodles and I may be living in a new abode at some point!

2)  When I saw my aunt a couple of weeks ago, her hair looked fabulous, so I am going for a cut & color on Saturday with her fabulous hairstylist, Lance. 

3)  Today a client (a middle aged Israeli man) came in to meet with the few of us working on his case.  First the partners met with him (basically to tell him he has no case) and then after that, I was supposed to meet with him to work on some discovery.  I heard from the person in the office next to the conference room that there was yelling going on for over an hour, so I was pretty nervous to meet him in person.  But when I walked in, there he was sitting with his friend, a rabbi.  The client smiled at me, and when I introduced myself, he said “Oh, your name is (the Hebrew pronunciation).”  I said yes, I had heard that before.  He said, “Well, that’s what it is.  That’s the only way to pronounce it.”  His rabbi friend said, “Well actually, in English, it’s pronounced the way she pronounces it.”  But he stubbornly repeated, “No, it’s (Hebrew pronunciation).”  Anyway, it was funny, and he was very pleasant to me throughout the meeting despite how unpleasant his meeting with the partners was, so I’m thinking maybe I should just embrace my heritage. 🙂

4)  On the way home, I was having a meltdown moment and called a friend who said, “Guess what conversation I had with my boss today?  I had to tell him, ‘I am not your wife, your sister or your mother.'”  So, at least my boss and I aren’t there…  Plus, she was very good at cheering me up in general.

5)  Noodles has been extremely loving and attentive this week.  Yesterday, I got home and flopped on the couch, and he jumped up onto my tummy/chest.  (Unfortunately, having a 15-lb cat on top of you is about as comfy as it sounds.)

In sum, though I have let my Gratitude Page lapse, I still think it’s important to find time to think good thoughts, even when things aren’t going great.

Thanks for bearing with me dear readers, and hopefully Little Miss Law will be more fun next time!

Ring a Ding Ding

Ok, yes, so I stole this title from a Sex & the City episode.  So sue me.  It’s the one where Carrie and Aidan break up and she has to try to cough up the money to buy her apartment, she realizes that she is broke but has $40,000 worth in shoes, and then Charlotte offers her engagement ring as a loan. 

This title is only tangentially related to the real topic of my post, which is that marriage just seems to be in the air these days.  Every time I turn around I discover yet another friend who is talking possible nuptials with her sweetie, whether in the distant future or the not-so-distant future.  Others are chomping at the bit for a ring.  I guess I am just at that age where, much like Noah’s Ark, everyone starts to pair off two-by-two and trot merrily off.

Tonight I had an interesting conversation about marriage with several of my co-workers over drinks.  At the table were a married guy whose wife is expecting their first baby; a girl who has been with her BF for 7 years but done long distance the last 3; a girl who has lived with her BF forever and is finally starting to talk marriage; and finally, a friend who has lived with her BF for less than a year, but whose little sister is getting married in September, so she is starting to feel the heat (and get the itch).

My friend and her BF who are longtime cohabitators are in their early 30’s, and are just now starting to discuss marriage because everyone they know is getting married and as she says, it’s in their face constantly.  But she has more than a mild aversion to the idea of marriage because her parents were divorced and it was very hard on her. 

And then there’s me.  Due to my recent relationship history, I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum — I am in no rush whatsoever to walk down the aisle, but I also have an optimistic viewpoint of relationships and marriage in general. 

Here’s my story in a nutshell – I was actually engaged until about 9 months ago, and was supposed to be getting married in September of this year.  We had set a date, picked a venue, and I even had a gorgeous dress.  We each had selected eight friends and family members to be our bridesmaids and groomsmen.  Everything was falling into place.

But I started to get cold feet.  Make that freezing.  Make that hypothermic.  I eventually realized that this was a heck of a lot more than pre-wedding jitters…I had an overwhelming sense that it just wasn’t right.  Not then, not in ten years, not in sixty years.  But this realization took me months and lots of tears and angst to come to, because I did love him.  I just had to follow my heart.

In the aftermath of my broken engagement, I realized that as alone as I felt during all the inner turmoil leading up to it, I was never really alone.  My family and friends came through for me in an incredible way.  And I found out that there were many, many women out there who had gone through the same thing.  I found message boards and websites…I even found a terrific book called There Goes the Bride.   Apparently the “Almost Bride” thing is a bit of a cultural phenomenon.  Indeed, I was the third woman at my law firm to call of her engagement!  (One of my clever co-workers deemed it a curse and said that he was planning to shoot a documentary about it.)

Even though the last year has been difficult, I don’t feel cursed at all.  In fact, I feel incredibly blessed — to have had the presence of mind to do what felt right, rather than walking down a path simply because I was afraid to turn back.

Now, while I suppose I could feel pessimistic about relationships, instead I feel that I know just that much more what I want and need from someone who is going to be my life partner.  Since I was going the traditional route and it didn’t work out, it feels almost liberating to have abolished all thoughts of artificial timelines or societal expectations from my thoughts. 

I am confident now that whenever my time comes to make a serious commitment, I will be sure, it will be right, and it will be fantastic.

I don’t feel like I could give my experiences or my thoughts on this subject true justice in one blog post, so I’m sure there will be more to come in future posts.  Tonight was a bit of stream of consciousness…thanks for bearing with me, dear readers!