So I have been writing a lot about my dating life lately…such as it is. I’ve been pondering recently what things are reasonable criteria by which to eliminate potential suitors, and which are things that I could afford to relax about. So far these are the “dealbreakers” I look for when reviewing an online profile (in no particular order):
1. Bad grammar (the worst is mixing up your and you’re — the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up just thinking of it!)
2. Shorter than my height (5’9″) — hey, I like to wear heels
*** Note: In another post I commented that “most people I weed out without any response because something about their profile doesn’t quite fit me: they are uber-religious, they have bad grammar, they are shorter than me, their favorite thing to do on a weekend is skydiving, etc.” One of my loyal readers sent me this email: “you mean, they are shorter than I. I would have let it pass, but it came right after you said that men with bad grammar suck.” Perhaps I should get off my grammar high horse then! Anyway…
3. Politically conservative and/or very religious (since I am pretty much a bleeding heart liberal agnostic).
4. Allergic to cats – Noodles has been loyal to me for 2 years, which is more than I can say for any guy I’ve dated except my ex-fiance
5. Overuse of “lol”. This just seems so unnecessary out of the online-chat context, esp. in a dating profile (e.g. “I’m looking for a tall supermodel lol”). Wtf?
6. Hobbies are all things like skydiving. mountain biking etc. Nothing wrong with those things, but I’m way too weak sauce.
7. Emphasizes in the profile how into “fitness” he is. Again, that is a fabulous thing to be into, and more power to you. But I love to eat and I hate to work out. I don’t want someone to judge me for it!
8. Is unattractive. Are looks everything? Of course not. But if I’m surfing through pictures, I don’t care how fantastic your personality is, I won’t be excited to meet you unless you’re cute.
And the list goes on. So I can see how someone might read that and say I am too picky. My mom sent me an email last week about a blog she reads called Charming but Single. Charming had written a tongue-in-cheek post about how she wanted her next BF to have season football tickets. To that, she got the following response:
“I think your applicant pool is a lot of the problem here. The guys you meet seem to get what they want and move on. Then they like to drop back in on you (and you let them) and give you a complex thinking it was all just some misunderstanding because you didn’t show them you wanted a relationship. I’m not sure if they’re feeding you a line or if they assumed you were still in the fun stage because you met them in a bar. That’s not judgement it just seems men don’t think women they meet in bars are there to find a husband especially in our neck of the woods. I also think you might need to stop putting so much emphasis on appearances. It would never occur to me ever to list specific physical characteristics in my criteria for finding a life partner. When I was ready to settle down the biggest criteria for me was that he was at that stage as well and that he was smart. So with that in mind it might be time to start considering some of those cousins of your friends who have “great personalities.” They might not be Adonis but they are often gainfully employed, good fatherhood material and looking to settle down.”
My mom asked me what I thought about this. My first thought was, “Well, if that girl wants to have an unattractive husband, that’s her prerogative.”
Seriously, though, what is the difference between what she describes and, well, settling? In my opinion, if there’s anything a girl should be picky about, it’s the person she chooses to spend the rest of her life with. I mean, we’re not talking about a pair of shoes here.
Then again, is there a whole pool of guys I am needlessly eliminating from consideration? Or am I just saving myself heartache down the road?
Be honest, dear readers — am I being too picky?
Little Miss Law 
Too picky? Heck no. Marriage and relationships are hard even when you really like the person that you’re with. They take a lot of devotion and commitment because there will be times that absolutely suck. How are you supposed to get through those times without some common ground to fall back on (like the shared values that you mentioned above like religion/politics/world view)? You have to find someone that you’re compatible with to make something long-term happen. Too picky? There isn’t such a thing when you’re choosing a person to go through life with. You keep your standards and you keep them high. 🙂
I absolutely do not think you are being too picky. Your list is of deal breakers is very similar to mine, which is probably why I find it to be eminently reasonable. You are looking for someone that fits with you, just like someone else.
Of course looks matter. It is ridiculous to pretend otherwise. That being said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that is why there is someone out there for everyone (hopefully). And it is different when you are doing online dating, because the picture is pretty much the only thing you know about them. Once you get to know people, they often start to seem more attractive than you originally thought they were. But getting to know people in an online dating situation is not the same as in the real world, so you kind of have to decide whether or not you find them physically attractive before you get to know them. It is what it is.
People always say that about single people – “you are too picky”. That is a good thing. I have a cousin who married a guy in prison because she was desperate. A little bit of picky would have gone a long way with her, because her life has pretty much been hell ever since. It is your perogative, and as long as being alone is a better choice for you than dating some random guy you are not that into (which it probably should be), then I’d say you are doing the right thing.
Good luck!
There’s another deal breaker….men in prison!!
At least a guy in prison won’t have hobbies such as skydiving, mountain biking, or any other extreme sport that involves some level of… uh, personal freedom to go outdoors? 🙂
p.s. You know my stance on this. The answer to your question, Little Miss Law, is no.
I don’t think you’re being picky at all. A woman has to have her standards!
No, I don’t think you’re settling. You have to weed out people somehow, right? You know what you want and you go after it. Bravo.
I can’t believe your MOM reads my blog. Ohmyword. I always just assumed only single gals would read!
Having recently sort of found myself in the same situation I dont think you are being picky at all. However, (I haven’t done on-line dating btw) I can imagine that there are people whose first introduction is a picture that you think, well they are sort of OK, no goosebumps, but when you meet them in real life its the combination of looks and personality that make them really cute and attractive. I met someone the other week who would not fit what I regard as my ‘usual’ ‘wowee’ appearance at first glance, but after 15 mins I was hooked, it was the combination of personality, mannerisms, accent etc etc that catapulted her into the ‘wow’ category. As my Mum used to say ‘For every Jack there is a Jill’, matching them up is the tough bit ! Keep going !!